Y’all know what time it is. I recognize this new year because it’s for the universe. When your spirit has risen above calendars and others telling you what clock to follow, you learn that your own personal new year is the day you entered this world. That’s a blog for another day.
Right now, I realize that no amount of elevation can stop your mind from harping on the things that have happened and the things to come once we enter this lovely holiday season. We think about friends, family, love, careers, and how all of it has affected us in the last year.
Well, for me, I’m learning to change my thinking. For the longest, I’ve been a proud pessimist. The glass has been half-empty for the last 32 years, because so many negative things have happened in my life that I wait for the next awful thing. This year, I stopped to focus on the good. I’ve crossed paths with so many people in this short time on Earth and many of them have changed me. It has mostly been romantic partners, because I have made love my life. I wanted to say curse this heart chakra of mine, but it’s the strongest part of myself. I can say confidently that a love like mine is once in a lifetime. You WILL search for me in everyone that you attempt to date after me. I’m proud of this because it means that no matter what anyone has done to me, my love has remained untainted and pure. I still love as though I’ve never been hurt.
Today I want to talk about my love lessons from the women that I trusted with my heart. While I’ve loved many, I’ve only been in love with two. Yes, there is a clear difference. If you hate astrology, stop reading now because I love it and I will sign drop starting now.
I’m a Taurus sun with an Aquarius moon and Sagittarius rising. My “first” love was a Scorpio. This was puppy love or at least that’s what my parents called it, because the world thinks kids and teenagers are incapable of it. I have a different idea about it, but again, like I always say...different blog. I don’t have a bad thing to say about the first Scorpio that I dated. He was kind, funny, loyal (super loyal), open...so many things. He was a standard, one that I should have followed, but didn’t. I didn’t realize until years later that he’d set one and I was settling for much less. I would say that we’d still be together until this day, but you know that whole lesbian thing may have thrown a wrench in things. I guess it was a good thing that we were young and couldn’t make our own decisions. Our parents moved us away from one another and that was that.
After him, I fell into infatuation with a Pisces woman. I was nineteen and still searching for the kind of love that he’d given me. I swear to you that all I can think of that this woman provided to me was forehead kisses and some hand-holding and I was so attached to her. She wasn’t a tenth of what my standard should have been. What she was, was manipulative and childish. She told me that I was too serious about her and relationships, but at the same time said she loved me and was always in my wallet. Is love not a serious matter? Asking for a friend. I put up with that for three years off and on until an Aries stepped in and decided we both deserved better. I loved that Pisces so much that I needed to be saved, which leads me to lesson one and two.
Don’t change yourself for anyone. I took her comment about me being too serious to heart. I analyzed myself so much that I started to play her game. I started talking to other people and passing on the hurt that I'd received from her. The Aries slowed me down and brought me back to myself, which wasn’t her job, but she took it on anyway, which made sense with her Scorpio moon and rising. She and I went on to spend five years together. She took me serious, but I never want to be “saved” again. Lesson two: save yourself. Always.
I’ve had this habit of transitioning from one relationship to the next without as much as a half of a breath. After five years with the Aries I went on to rebound with a Taurus, Gemini, and another Aries, none of which were worth my time or a story. It was the next Pisces that sunk her teeth into me that knocked the breath from my body. She offered me everything. I was twenty-two and thought that I’d finally found my one. I think I would have jumped in front of a bullet or moving car for that woman. I believe she’d do the same for me until this day. Unfortunately, she had another battle, one that I couldn’t help her with, nor could I compete with it.
She was an alcoholic.
If you’ve ever dealt with someone with addiction then you know how the story goes. Maybe I’ll finish the book that I wrote about her one day. She was the first woman to point out my pessimism. She called me out on it every single time. She made me realize that I’d always dealt with people who fed my negativity because well, they were Debbie downers themselves. It was with her that I stopped to check my bonds. All of them were nothing more than connections of traumas: mommy and daddy issues, molestation and rape relations, abuse, the list goes on. We had all of it in common. I was watching Empire the other day and Demi Moore’s character said a phrase that latched on to me : Toxic Alchemy. That’s what all of my relationships were. Sadly, even with the Pisces who made me realize this, there was toxicity. We called each other bitch and verbally abused one another in arguments. Mostly when she was drunk. It had to end. I chased her for six long years, while still dating other people in hopes that one of them would intrigue me enough to erase her forever.
There was this one Cancer that almost, almost got me there, but our connection was rooted in lust. She opened a flood of emotions in me that I didn’t know I had and also awakened a sexual beast in me. She gave my body so much attention that I stopped realizing what it was that my heart and mind needed. She and I cried together a lot about life and past love, but never did much to fix our trauma outside of numbing it with sex. She also was no better than the Pisces with her constant lies. All I left that rebound with was awakened passion.
A Taurus came along. She had trauma, too, but she looked good on paper and wanted the things in life that I wanted. Well, I thought she did. I honestly believe that we were both just tired of looking for a perfect fit. We found power together and fed it. We got married and built our life and bank account. Everything was pretty on the outside, but on the inside, it was a war zone. She also had a drinking problem. She was filled with every issue that all the people I’d dated had, but believe it or not, I learned the most from this woman. This is where I lost myself completely. Being in an abyss of darkness will do that to you. Her constant neglect of my being taught me exactly what I needed. She made me more alert to what I had to stop accepting from people. It’s amazing what you discover in pain.
I’ve held onto to that pain for quite some time, but now I’m discovering that being with her tested me. I wouldn't be who I am right now if she didn’t break me the way that she did. While difficult, it’s kind of nice to pick up each piece individually and choose what I want to keep and what should be tossed out.
So the biggest lesson for me is to let yourself break. Reinvention is the key to life. Companies rebrand themselves to succeed, why can't you do the same for your mind, body, and soul?
Change your path and your story.
Love isn’t always supposed to be pretty. Why? Because without the ugly parts you don’t know when it’s beautiful.
I’m grateful for all that I’ve been through. I hope the universe sees that it’s enough.