Power of Choice (LOVE)
Y’all knew this one was coming eventually. I know I’ve been away for a minute so I truly apologize to those that come here hitting refresh only to be disappointed that there is nothing new. July has been rough my loves. Rough. I’m powering through it though. Shoutout to that three hour workout last night.
How do we choose the person best for us? It’s said that love finds us and we won’t be able to help whom we fall in love with. I’m going to have to agree to disagree. The love we attract literally mirrors who we are and I can say this because I’ve dated enough people to analyze the exact moments these people came into my life and why. It takes willpower, but we can manage the connections we make, because not all of them are healthy. Truth be told, our strongest ties are usually toxic. Note: most people don’t even know that they are toxic. Relationships will continue to fail at an alarming rate. Take y’all asses to therapy.
Love should create a freedom not a prison. If you are going to choose to love someone on purpose ignoring that their role may be temporary in your life, at least choose someone who can evolve to love you better. Despite all the rules, opinions, memes, and whatever else (even me) tells you about love, you always have FREE WILL.
As a teenagaer, I attracted anybody that could give me attention. My daddy issues were deep and the void that needed to be filled was huge. I wasn’t taught to have standards having a mother that would date any man that would pay her bills. My view of love was date who gave you what you needed. At that point in my life, what I needed was attention and that’s what I got--good and bad.
In my twenties I attracted people that always needed me to take care of them financially and emotionally. I had bad boundaries and lots of trauma. They told me their sob stories and I opened my heart and my wallet, because in exchange I could cry on their shoulders about all that I’d been through.
Trauma Bond: A Trauma Bond is a bond that forms due to intense, emotional experiences, usually with a toxic person. Similar to Stockholm Syndrome. It holds us emotionally captive through physical or emotional abuse.
Nine years. For nine years I jumped from one toxic relationship to another until I myself became the toxic person. I’d picked up so many abusive patterns that I was drowning in darkness and fear and negativity. You'll have to wait for my healing and forgiveness blog to learn how I climbed and am still climbing out of that pit. Right now, I want to talk about knowing love and choosing it for yourself.
The focus on love in my life has always been in romantic relationships. It’s probably why I’ve crossed a friendship line with four people that have been closest to me thinking they had to be my partners in my life because they “got me” and “loved me” and I trusted them. I was wrong. Again, this comes from only having a one-dimensional view of love and bad boundaries, which I’m still learning to place. I miss each of them as FRIENDS.
Now in choosing love for myself I’m paying attention to all the types available to me. If you don’t know what they are, don’t worry I got you.
With that small explanation evaluate your connections. Decide what you choose to achieve, not only what you require, but what you can give. A lot of us sit with what we desire without ever thinking of the counter offer. This is how we meet perfect people and fail. I’m fully guilty of trying to love people when I didn’t love myself enough. I was pouring from an empty cup. Learn yourself and know your deal breakers.
For a long time I didn’t draw a line between myself and my lovers when it came to their insecurities and how that affected me. Them not loving themselves caused them to lie and cheat. I took this on as my own fault as if there was something that I I lacked. When in fact, the void was inside of them. One problem, one argument would lead them to someone else in some way. Not only does it reveal their insecurity, but also their maturity level. I had not been choosing women with high levels of emotional intelligence, which also spoke volumes about me. I had to ask myself why I was accepting this and why was it a pattern in every person that I’ve met? I had to understand my own worth and value. I should not want anyone that could easily seek out and share their time and attention with anyone else for quick validation when they knew it was me that they wanted to be with. This is not to say that I have not checked my own behavior, but even still I’ve learned not to match energy.
In a recent podcast with one of my favorite couples right now, they talk about matching energy and how it’s the worse thing you can do with anyone. Why? Because you lower your vibrations and you always want to vibrate high. I’ve been taking the high road with a lot of things and it has given me better results with people. We’ll talk about ego soon. Just know that nobody has more power over me than me. I want to deal with people that have that same type of control, platonic or romantic.
Romance again. I have a little note on my wall at home that says stay single until it feels like Alchemy. For me this means Eros + Ludus + Pragma + Philautia + Agape. All equally. I want to be loved for me on every level, not just the idea. I meet a lot of people who fantasize and I’ve dated a few only to be disappointed because they’ve already fallen for the fantasy they created instead of getting to know all of me: my fears, my flaws, my insecurities, my triggers, my traumas. I’m not a woman for small talk or egg shells or secrets or surfaces, but I also get why most people don’t like to dive deep. This, for me, weeds out the unworthy. I won’t sit here and lie and say that I’m 100% ready to commit to someone because I don’t think I am. My spirit will tell me when I’m dealing with someone that understands both my darkness and my light. What questions do you ask yourself when choosing a partner?
My questions--13 because it’s one of my numbers--and this is just a prerequisite (LOL):
She spilled all on me. SPILLED.
This obviously went over an hour. Some things my intuition always knew and it was conformation and others I had to brace myself because the impact could knock me from my seat. We sat and we talked about it until damn near three in the morning. Was I hurt? Yes. Was I upset? Absolutely. But I had to keep up my end of the bargain. I didn’t have a problem with it because I only wanted to be married once in life. I wanted to be the person that kept their word. I wanted to endure. I also appreciated the fact that she told me her truth and I was allowed to react. I’d never seen her that vulnerable or afraid. I knew that fear was due to me being able to go back on my promise to stay after the horrid things she’d confessed. This is going to sound ridiculous, but I respected her. We promised to be no less than 100% honest with each other after that.
Why are we not together?
Well, she continued to do fucked up things. There was no way for me to heal there, but I did come out of that knowing that I always wanted someone who could tell me their truth and not rob me of my choice to decide if I want to keep going. That is how I believed that some form of love was there for me, because the selfish thing to do would be to lie. She laid all her cards bare knowing the consequence and she let me choose. Staying after that was all on me. I had regrets. I don’t anymore. I learned. I thank her for a lot and it’s odd, but I now understand why diamonds are created from pressure. I also learned not to sit in discomfort with a person. I’m not afraid to argue. But I will say I probably should learn to ask questions, because I’m good at coming with the accusations without discussion. I know what I know and that’s it!
I want a fair lover and I want to be fair. Anything else is manipulation.
I’ll also tell you this. Meet truth with gentleness, because flipping out will only make a person fear being honest again. I’ve been sitting with my gentle spirit. She was hiding for such a long time because I’ve had to defend myself in love more often than not, but I want to enter love from the other side. If you chose love and to love, be in it, all the way. Don’t do grey areas and don’t quit when it gets boring or hard because it will.
“Neither of us knew how to love, and so, we went to war instead.”
Sit with that.
Patience. Loyalty. Consistency. Honesty. Trust. Unselfishness. Communication w/ comprehension. = Longevity and Love.
Let me know when y’all are ready to have the conversation about how love works when your poly. I got you.
I moved to Washington in 2014. I’ve been on a crazy path of growth and learning since I crossed this state line. The first thing that I started to miss while being away from home was the food. I ranted about it in Facebook and one of my Facebook friends suggested I try a restaurant called “The Quarters.”
This one hurts y’all. It hurts bad.
It took me almost a year or so to actually visit the restaurant because well, I never believe people when they send me to places that are supposed to taste like home—New Orleans.
December 15, 2016 my ex had stayed over because well I’m needy like that and she would always oblige. She came straight from the gym and the next morning for some reason I wanted to try “The Quarters.” She was always down for a food adventure. We stopped at a Goodwill—one of my favorite places—dressed her up and went on our way.
I felt at home the second that we pulled into the parking lot. The restaurant sits in the middle of a quaint space in Auburn, Washington. I walked through the doors and was instantly amazed by the art and music. We were instructed to sit wherever we pleased, so we did.
There were notebooks in the middle of each table. My nosey behind grabbed one and started thumbing through the pages. It was nothing but love and raves about the food and atmosphere. This place was home to many.
Then she came… Jade. Like the light she was, she smiled at my ex and I and made us feel like we were having a conversation with our favorite cousin. She was so full of life. I don’t think there was a moment she was never not smiling.
She had the perfect name. “Jade (crystals) is said to bless whatever it touches, serving mankind across the globe for nearly 6,000 years. Jade is most valued for its metaphysical properties. It is the ultimate "Dream Stone," revered in ancient cultures, as well as today, to access the spiritual world, gain insight into ritualistic knowledge, encourage creativity, and dream-solve. It is cherished as a protective talisman, assuring long life and a peaceful death, and is considered a powerful healing stone. An amulet of good luck and friendship, Jade signifies wisdom gathered in tranquility, dispelling the negative and encouraging one to see oneself as they really are.”
$40.00 would get us the best breakfast I’d had since I’d been in Washington. Jade would check on us as often as she could. She steal time to talk with us, telling us about her wife Chef T and their kids. She’d share her struggles about their restaurant and stepping out on faith and she’d fill us with love and encouragement for living life to the fullest. She was an open book like myself, which I found odd since she was a Scorpio. We’d leave with full hearts and belly’s and I’d never stop thinking about her. Some people just leave lasting impressions.
We promised to visit again.
A year later, on the same date we’d visit again and she’d remember us like she’d just seen us the day before. She’d give us free dessert and bad news that cancer was trying to beat her down. We’d both shed tears and hugs—Jade and I— because I know this pain all too well having a Mom that had to fight it twice. Jade was a fighter. She had so many reasons to just be alive. Her wife, her kids, and their business that was much more than a place to make food and money. “The Quarters” was/is a safe space for communion. So, what is it with a missing piece?
She’d always make it her business to spend as much talking time with us as she could. She was a walking blessing, giving to others even when she didn’t have much. She always reminded us to let the poor and hungry know they were always welcome to eat at her family’s establishment for free.
So here’s that age old question. Why do awful things happen to good people? She was a good people. I’ll always remember that smile on her face when we saw her for Easter and stayed for an Easter egg hunt, which I was bad at by the way. She told us where the good stuff was and well, epic fail. Still, one of the best times I’ve had in Washington. She and her wife are always doing things for the community. That’s why this hurts.
I’d been off social media for the longest and today I log in to see that she lost. I’m still processing. Watching her wife in pain was a stab to the chest. Jade’s energy has faded into the universe and I can’t imagine what life will be like for her wife and her children. What do you do when you lose your heart, you’re backbone, you’re air?
For you, I’ll learn to take more risk.
This Tuesday is an astrologically eventful day — we have both a new moon in Cancer and a total solar eclipse.
Don’t you just love Cancer season? I don’t. I feel all of my feels and my Aqaurius moon is confused like a motherfucker. Why? Because the Aquarius is logical and detached, so it’s literally like what is this?! It’s sadness you asshole, it’s disappointment, it’s fear, it’s life and we can’t run from it. It was a good weekend y’all. GOOD GOOD. I know it seems like I’ve been in hiding ( I have), but for good reason. Here’s my quick check-in:
So yeah, my time and energy has been well spent. I will say this. I’m in a phase of healing from a lot of things. Healing is ugly and my God is it painful. It’s like having someone walking in front of you with a mirror and they never get tired. I’m forced to see myself 24/7 without a break. Even as I write this blog, another part of my brain is focused on what I need to meditate on tonight. All-in-all my spirit is remembering peace and freedom again. I want to speak on one breakthrough in particular that I had this past Saturday.
I’ve always been obsessed with past lives and trying to figure out who I used to be and how much of that energy followed me into this life. We live many lives. Many. This one in particular has me shook. I was some kind of slave, but I got away. I followed a false leader that didn’t have my best interests at heart (a Leo). I used art for my sanity. I was also sick a lot (stress, depression, physical, and emotional abuse, etc.), but I remained spiritual. I struggled with finances because of this leader. What that means for me in this life? I’ve rejected religion and social constructs. I have hella trust issues. I care about my health. I have a lot of anger and resentment toward certain races. I love to cook. I care about the Earth. I’m financially secure. I’m a shape-shifter/chameleon. I’m a rebel. I can read people’s energy and know instantly if they are good for me. I’m a liberator/healer/teacher. All truth.
My gifts and talents that followed me to this life: singing, dancing, massage therapy, physical therapy, physical training, and speaking/communication.
Life is funny. Real funny. The theme of my life has been that I can’t forgive. Y’all don’t understand how stubborn I am. I can hate you until I die. I laughed when I learned that the only way for me to get to my highest, highest self is to forgive. I have to heal my root and heart chakra. My past life also has lots of good Karma. I always wondered why I’ve been so fortunate or lucky or blessed, whatever term you choose to use. It’s my soul. It’s beautiful. (Insert tears)
I cried crocodile tears, because now everything in my life has been confirmed. I’m on the right path and none of my pain in life has been in vain. Liberation is the chapter I’m in, in my life. I wrote a list of people that I need to forgive. Whether they forgive me or not is on them, not that I’ve ever really dealt with people who couldn’t forgive. It’s always been me. Some people on my list are harder to forgive than others, but I plan on crossing off all of the names before the year is over. Or at least, I hope to do my best. Carrying hate is a dark energy and it will eat you from the inside. I know this as fact because being bitter and angry has caused me to make poor decisions. I’ve hurt people, self-sabotaged, shut down, played victim, I’ve half-loved lovers, spewed venom from a hurt place, isolated myself, and acted out in revenge a few times, because Karma just didn’t work fast enough. I’m also paying attention to my triggers. They are where my deepest wounds are and need my TLC. I got this.
33 years and I’m finally done running from myself, my ugly truths, and other people who simply just wanted to make amends or apologize. Accepting an apology won’t kill you. This wave of emotions has been heavy. Heavy because my body is catching up. I blocked my healing with relationships, sex, alcohol, weed, and the biggest of all anger. Anger is a motherfucker and a monster. Even though my anger wasn’t always displayed in physical violence, it came out in other ways that were still destructive. We don’t get a do-over in life, but we can reset.
I also want to set my next life up for success by balancing energies in this life. That means breaking karmic ties so they don’t repeat and recognizing soulmates (romantic and non-romantic) and the lessons that they come with (next blog). Honoring the good that came from these connections and not harping on the bad.
Healing cost time, energy, ego, relationships, money, and money. When you are ready for a shift, put everything on the table. Change isn’t cheap, but holding out on yourself costs more than you can give, -Chani Nichols
Understanding yourself and people is not a waste of time.
I’ll leave you with what I listen to when I wake up and before I fall asleep:
Love and Light beautiful humans. Keep choosing love. Let go of regret. Follow your heart.
Random confirmation from a stranger.
The face of freedom and peace <3