As a Taurus I feel 100% qualified to write this blog. I mean it is all opinion-based anyway so… yeah. My fellow bulls understand. People like to say that we are the Kings and Queens of holding a grudge. I wouldn’t exactly argue, because I have been that bull that claims to NEVER forgive. Why? Because I didn’t have to. It wasn’t until I was much older and more mature that I realized that grudges only hurt me. And when I say much older, I mean like a year or so ago. Up until last year, I carried the mentality that forgiveness was super fucking human. It seemed almost insane to offer anyone my forgiveness, because again, why? That Rick Ross album or song—I don’t know because I don’t support him anymore—God forgives, I don’t? Yeah, that was my slogan in life. I walked around like keeping my forgiveness to myself was a badge of honor.
It wasn’t until I took a deep dive into my spirit that I learned grudges were seeds of anger, regret, and bitterness. It was the very thing stopping me from growing and progressing on every level in my life. I was mad at my Dad, mad at my family, mad at majority of my exes… and for what?
I have had several people tell me that I needed to learn how to forgive. What I was hearing from them that I needed to give people a pass for the fucked up shit they had done to me. I’m here to tell you that nobody, absolutely no one gets away with bad behavior. They will pay, whether you get to see it or not. I have touched on forgiveness before and I’ll reiterate here. You can forgive, but you do not have to forget. You also do not have to allow people that you have forgiven to be a part of your life.
Are y’all tired of hearing about my ex-wife yet?
I hated her the most and held the biggest and longest grudge. I somehow believed that my anger was how to make her pay for all that she had done. I never stopped to realize that she paid heavily for her deeds when I walked away. Being mad at her only kept toxic behavior alive and well inside of me. My anger toward her was a scapegoat for me and my own healing. If I had a dollar for everytime I said I wasn’t going to engage in something because of something my ex-wife had done to me, I’d be rich. My grudge literally stopped me from living, from trusting, from loving, and moving forward as the woman I knew I could be without her.
I’m still shaking of some debris of that statement “My ex used to…” Let’s just say that it’s nice to have someone in my life that doesn’t mind when I need to talk some shit out.
I can remember her always contacting me randomly after I left her. I always took the bait and was pulled into toxic banter. She’d beg, plead, and apologize. I’d list everything she’d done to ruin our marriage. It became a song on repeat in my mind. Because in constantly engaging with her and reminding her of how trifling she was, I was reminding myself. The reminders would reignite and restart my grudge after I’d found stillness and calm.
I have always loved the quote “He who angers you controls you.” She was a puppet master. How do I cut the strings?
I had to realize the pattern in her obviously abusive and manipulative behavior. I also had to remember when my therapist said that as long as you are arguing, you still care. It was true, especially if you know me as a person. I carry a silence that cuts deep. I got stern with myself and I stopped responding anytime that she would say anything to me that had nothing to do with the legal dissolution of our marriage. Even when obligated to respond, she never got more than five-word responses out of me. I had created a boundary, which is much different than a grudge. There is no emotion attached to boundaries. She was going to respect my space and need for peace. Period.
Once I created a boundary, I gave myself room to purge. I had to sit with all that I’d felt during the time I spent with her. It was a huge wave and crash, but I made it to shore. Forgiving her made it easy to stand firm in my boundary and to not be provoked to anger. There was no anger. I had released it. You can’t fan a fire that isn’t there and blazing. I was free from whatever emotional control she had over me. She was only step one. Forgiving her was realizing that all she done had nothing to do with me. Were my feelings valid? Absolutely, but I didn’t have to carry that hurt forever. Forgiving her helped me to forgive everyone that came before her, because they too had their demons. It was just unfortunate that I got hit in the midst of their personal fights with themselves.
You have to decide that you are not the victim. They are victims to their own insecurities. There are a list of things that make people behave badly in relationships: childhood trauma, secret addictions, shame, self-hatred, etc. None of it has anything to do with you.
Set boundaries. Tell people what you will not put up and wait to see If they will respect you. If they do, cool, they survive another day in your life. If they don’t, wait to see if they correct themselves. If there is no correction, remove yourself and don’t be upset about it. Don’t be upset with them. Wish them well and go on living.
See the difference?
Boundaries good. Grudges bad.
It’s okay to build walls and forts around yourself, but always ask yourself what foundation it is built on. What is the root? You can do it. If I can, you can. There is nobody on this planet more stubborn than me or at least I haven’t met them yet. I dare you to challenge yourself and your growth.
I was going to write a whole ass blog about this DJ Kidd person and his infected peen, but then I realized I didn't want to waste too much of my energy. I do still want to say a few key things about this subject itself, because it involves black women. If we didn’t already need another “fuck you” in the world after Daniel Holtzclaw, along comes this trash DJ KIDD. If you aren’t familiar, allow me to catch you up. Dude infected over 600+ black women with HIV Aids. Actually, let me not call him dude or DJ Kidd. His name is Jason Roger Pope. On top of him giving this disease to black women, he is also a pedophile. Yep, our babies too. As young as thirteen. AND he is white. Yes, I’m aware that black men also play a role in giving Black women this disease, but that is a conversation for another day. We can get into intention, reasons, stats, downlow brothers (how that was over exaggerated), and all that another time , okay? Okay.
Please also understand the sensitivity that comes with HIV. Nobody ask for this and it’s no longer the death sentence that it use to be. Still, there is much ignorance surrounding it. I can only hope that these women go out into the world still able to just stand up tall, because shit is about to get ugly for them. I’m
How did these women get in a position to let a white boy that has made a living appropriating black culture? Woo, so many possibilities, but let’s just jump into influence.
I just recently read an article telling black women to date outside of their race. It’s always suggested that we try something “different” when what they actually mean to say is “better.” I am by no means a fan of black men (men at all), but what you ain’t gon do is devalue blackness. I have NEVER seen an article encouraging Asian, White, Hispanic, Indian, or any other race to date outside of their race or culture. The shade is so gross and real when it comes to black women. In between the lines of those articles what I see is one, our own men aren’t good enough to date. Two, they don’t see us as dateable, so we should take whatever will take us. And finally, it could be a relief for us in some way. Get the entire fuck out of here. Who died and made themselves the spokesperson for black women? Where has this assumption that we desire a bed wench fairytale come from? Y’all can call Olivia Pope and Fitz relationship goals if you want to, but it says a lot about how you view love in black and white. That whole shit was problematic. Also, men of other races and nationalities lie and cheat just as much. If that isn’t bad enough they carry internalized racism like a motherfucker. For kicks, Google Michelle Williams and Chad Johnson. Then slide on over to the parents of the McClure twins. I digress. Mistreatment can come in any package at anytime from anywhere. Never forget.
Other races are encouraged to stick to their own. Them dating black is seen as a loss. Like gays, people get disowned for dating black. Yet, here we are being told to put others on a pedestal. With black men that date white women, I wish the masses was smart enough to realize how this narrative is overemphasized in the media. Don’t believe the hype. BLACK MEN AND WOMEN DATE AND LOVE OTHER BLACK MEN AND WOMEN. They use celebrities to try and discourage the idea that black love does not exist. Let me learn you something. The total global population is 7,059,837,187. This means that the fraction of living famous people is 0.000086. Using only the total English-speaking population of the world (approximately 1.49 billion), the fraction is 0.00041. I refuse to let less than 0.00041 people make me believe I am unloved because of my features and complexion. Actually, Ima just run y’all a visual of the people the media doesn’t drown us with, because you need it. I can’t have my fellow sistahs out here feeling rejected because negros like Terrance Howard and Antony Anderson wouldn’t gave them a second look on the street. LET THEM LIKE WHAT THEY LIKE. Terrance Howard’s own wife called him a nigger. Don’t sweat. Please allow the Michael B Jordans of the world continue to justify dating outside of their race because there are ABSOLUTELY NO BLACK WOMEN THAT LIKE ANIME. (*Coughs: Meg Thee Stallion). Just say you don’t like black women, bro. We’re way too cool for him anyway. Dude has a butt-chin.
If you so choose to date outside of your race, by all means please do so, but don’t push your feelings and ideas off onto other people. This is a lesson that I have had to learn for myself. I struggle with even dating people with an attraction to non-black women, because I wonder where they place us on a scale of better or worse thanks to society. I’m a sucker for a radical and I make no apologies about it. Preference is okay. Comparison is not. I prefer taller men/women. I don’t date them just because they aren’t short. Feel me? I have def had a thing for a shorty or two.
I could drag this on but I have better things to do. To my sisters, if you date outside your race, please, please be with one that isn’t culturally confused. In an alternate world where I’d consider it, I damn sure wouldn’t be with a white dude wearing du-rags. What exactly are you trying to wave Brad? Don’t insult me.
Now relax and scroll into this abyss of all this blissful black ass love.
IF EVER YOU ARE FEELING DOWN OR DISCOURAGED ABOUT THIS PITIFUL ATTACK ON BLACK WOMEN, DO YOURSELF A FAVOR. OPEN YOUR INSTAGRAM. TYPE #blacklove
And for my queers because we too are affected by this thanks to colorism...
Love and Light