My morning meditation was different today. This new moon in Gemini has my brain on ten. I mean it makes since because Gemini’s are so inquisitive and talkative. Today I thought about all of the people that I’ve connected myself to romantically. Each one served their purpose, so I called back my energy and my love (doing this all June). It’s mine and I want it. They never matched it anyway. They tried damn hard to make it seem that way though. I only give one ex a pass. I’m only a whole person when I love like I’ve never been hurt. I’ve accepted that I’ll probably never be that fresh-faced, naive, 19-year-old that had no idea what hurt felt like and wanted nothing more but to love another. But I’ll never stop trying to be a woman that has a big heart to give to gentle hands that can walk slow enough to handle it. I know I come with a lot of trauma and triggers, so you have to be careful with me. More care than usual.
So how? How does this happen? Years of history and bearing ugly truths only to live separately in silence.
Easy. Simply put, IMO, it’s easier to be a stranger than to stay close to someone you’ll never be able to have because it just won’t work. You need time. Or maybe, it was never really meant to be. It’s our underdeveloped selves that linger in bad situations because stubbornness won’t allow us to take a loss. I don’t hate anyone that I’ve loved. Have I been angry with them? Yes. My unevolved self has cursed their names and their lives, but I always regret it because at my core, I’m a lover and I want abundance for everyone except rapists and murderers. I’ve been livid actually, wishing death and hellfire on heartbreakers, but in time I’m realizing the only person that was ever hurt by my anger is me. It has stalled me, made me live in fear of certain things, and it has made me half-ass love others because I assume they’ll half-ass love me. Still, not everyone is yours to keep: they are a repeated cycle or a fresh start. Yes, we have free will and we can fight with life to keep whomever we wish, but dammit you better be ready, because it will get ugly. You have to be wise enough to trust yourself enough to understand where they belong. Then be mature enough to put them there and keep them there. This is why people argue about ex-lovers being friends. Blog for another day.
I don’t show my whole soul (nobody does), not all of it, because well, I have trust issues like a motherfucker (repeat it like Nola on She’s Gotta Have It). That type of visual has to be earned and not everyone is equipped with the tools to receive that type of reveal: Patience, trust, loyalty, consistency, security, good communication, and honesty all perfectly aligned. I’ve only been that vulnerable once, because I’ve only been comfortable enough to be 100% of myself once. She was the only woman that I’d ever truly chased, cried for, begged for, and probably would have sacrificed anything to have. I believed I’d leave anybody in my life to be with her if she said the word. The hopeless romantic in me was ready to do some novel type, ROMCOM run through the airport type ish just for us to have our happy ending. When someone creates a space like that for you, it’s magic or it’s dangerous. She and I were both. I expected this love to stay, but there is another monster that keeps people apart.
EGO/Pride. I’ve been guilty of it a time or two in my life. Too guarded to say I’m sorry, I’m wrong, I love you, or I miss you. Because why? My anger. My disappointment. My distrust. Their inconsistency. The events of our relationships somehow start to build a barrier making us feel that maybe they just aren't deserving of the words. These words come with reconciliation then you have to face the truth, the pain that led you to the silence.
Being a stranger just seems easier. In time we all change anyways. We stop knowing past friends and lovers the second the silence kicks in, because we evolve by the minute. All people can tell you about me is who they knew then, not who I am now. So here’s what you do. Honor the good and learn from the bad. Smile at that “stranger” and keep going. It’s okay. Your soul will meet their soul again in another life and you’ll get another chance to fuck it up or get it right. I truly believe that what is meant to be will be in any life. The word stranger just sounds nice and it feels safe, but you’ll never truly be a stranger to the souls made to love you. They may not know the specifics of you, but they recognize your familiar.
Confession: I envy people that have never known love or being in love. They’ll never have to chase a feeling the way a fiend chases a high.