In the Deep End

Being in love is for people that can swim. And I’m not talking about in the deep blue.

Define love for yourself. Everyone has this idea of what love is supposed to look like, feel like, sound like, smell like, and maybe even taste like. Smell and taste may be more for my Taurus sisters and brothers since we’d almost always choose food over human connection. I’m thinking about what I’m going to have for dinner as I write this right now.

I’m going to drag my own dirty laundry into this blog, because well, I only have my own experiences to stand by when it comes to how I see and define love. I’ve never viewed love as this complicated thing. I either feel it or I don’t. I do however believe that it changes when the word “in” is placed in front of it. I’ve loved many people, but actually being “in” it has been a rarity. You might want to check yourself and a few past connections or current ones after this, because yeah…

Nobody digs around in their past more than me. I’m always evaluating and reevaluating wondering what was real, where certain traumas took place, who took what from me, and how the fuck do I get it back. My love life has been one long ass rebound. I can honestly think of ONE relationship where the connection was “pure.” I was 22, living my best life, and heartbreak free for more than a few years. I was “ready” to love. The “in” just ran up on me like a hood chick and started swinging.

Love is pleasant. It’s checking on you from time-to-time, wanting the best for you and all that I care about you type shit.

Infatuation is one step beneath love and it’s also fleeting, but it can damn sure feel like love. It’s I want to see you everyday, tell me all the great things about you, so I can be more infatuated, because damn… you check off everything I’ve desired on my list. Do one wrong thing though and it’s over for you, maybe. These red flags need to find something better to do, because I’m not paying attention is what infatuation represents.

Being “in” love? This shit right here my nigga. THIS SHIT RIGHT HERE? I’d jump in front of a bullet and fight a dangerous animal naked with my bare hands for you.

Okay, I’m going to back up, because I’m getting hype and ahead of myself.

By-the-way, this blog is brought to you by this sarcastic ass, shit-talking Gemini that likes to test my gangster and my intellect. She started a cynical ass blog that she wrote with this quote.

“There is something so valuable in being with yourself- In sleeping alone, avoiding conversations, only going where one knows you and never staying too long.


Even and especially when you are part of a couple and or a family, being with yourself is a priority, separate rooms, separate friends, separate everything. This way the sharing you do is a welcomed choice, and is never forced. And in this space, in this bubble, you will read and plan, you will watch documentaries, take a few online courses and you will execute. You will gain confidence without pats on the back or the constant support of someone else.


You will rely on yourself, and you will prove to yourself that you are capable and worthy. You will learn the difference between being by yourself and being with yourself, and you will uncover the riches of self- sufficiency.


And you’ll remember that you don’t need anyone to validate your existence. You will grow comfortable with long silences. You will thrive in being unreachable. And you will create.


You won’t know much of what happens outside of your bubble and that’s good. You will protect your energy from negativity, anger, envy, gossip and stagnation. Your phone will not ring and no one will be at your door.


You will be free.


And everyone will wonder where you went, why you don’t show your face and why you have no interest in being a monkey in their circus.


It will confuse them, at first but soon they will recognize how stabilized you are in such a dizzying world. They will take note of the wisdom behind your disappearance, and the peace and happiness you have found away from the chaos of the times.


Soon, they will ask you how you managed and you will be called to teach them. “ K.S.

Okay, K.S., shoutout to self-love and self-care or whatever. Because this is the shit you do in order to be ready for a real relationship. This is how to keep your own mind and path. I bet K.S. ain’t singing this song when it’s time for an orgasm, unless she’s asexual or hella in love with her vibrator. You can’t avoid human connection without going completely insane. What you can do is evaluate those connections and categorize them by which ones matter most and work for your growth. I mean I get it, “I Love You” can change a life and make people feel exactly how K.S. feels, because you never truly know if it’s coming from a sincere place. People use it to get what they need from you sometimes and it can make you bitter. I’ve been on both sides of “I love you.” I choose the side that feels good and now, I just trust myself. The universe always lets me know when it’s real.

I’m always getting off track. I’m just going to share her words and make her eat them line by line.


“Love is universal. Love is eternal. Love exists through the eyes, the heart and the soul. Love is internal. Love is interchangeable. Love is tangible and solid.”

• Love is not tangible or solid. All those other things, yes. Already love is made to be seen when it can’t be. It can only be felt. Tangible would be acts of love like buying flowers, putting gas in the car when you weren’t asked to, or sleeping with the television on because they do when you usually don’t. People aren’t just walking around with love written on their forehead waiting to be picked. It’s in their spirit and you have to wait for it, dig for it. Prove yourself worthy, which most of us have way too much pride to do, so we settle.

“Being in love: That’s something my perceptual mind hasn’t quite grasped. What would be the reason to be “in” something instead of being something. Can I be love? Loving? A lover?
I’m already ‘In” a relationship with a person, why would I have to be “in” something else with them? *sighs*…The invisible pressures.”

• Life has truly failed you when the thought of entanglement with another person is seen as invisible pressure. Relationship: the way in which two or more concepts, objects, or people are connected, or the state of being connected. So why be in love in a relationship? The last word in that definition is connection. If you’re doing a relationship the “right” way then you are nurturing the connection. When you’ve been with someone for awhile, you can start to wonder what’s next in this life you share with them. So many people are walking around stagnant simply because they are comfortable and next is just what’s right for society: love then marriage, maybe babies. They pay their bills, they eat their dinner together, shit is real pleasant. I don’t want that. When you’re in love pleasant becomes passion. I want the thing that doesn’t die and to me that’s the difference with love and in love. I love my mom and my sister. I love my friends, but the person I’m going to trust with my secrets and deepest emotions? They better come with something harder than obligation and routine. Love me just for the hell it and never understand why. I want a whirlwind of I’m not living without you feelings, even on the days when it doesn’t seem ideal. I think of being in love as the same things as me getting to my highest self. I can always do and be more. Same with being in love. You can always go deeper if you’re open to it. Everything has a next level. Everything. Just like everything always has a loophole (shots fired).

“One does not grow up learning how to be “in” love. We grow up learning what love is, what it feels like and how to love. Love unconditionally, love without limits, love, love, love…
All this talk about love but people don’t even love themselves forreal, so how am I supposed to take being “in“ love seriously? Being ‘In’ love is overrated. Unpopular opinion.”

• Is it not obvious yet that a Gemini wrote these things? HAHA! I got time though. Do we really grow up being taught what love is or do we just see behaviors and take from it what we believe to be love? Nobody in my life as a child had ever sat me down and said “hey, this is how you love.” I just saw my Mama have feelings and get stepped on multiple times, so my idea of love for a long time was trying to fix motherfuckers, while letting them wear me out emotionally. Love was also sex, so… I’ll have to call bullshit on her statement here. Love, however, is shoved down our throats subliminally with movies, music, and dumbass holidays. I used to wear this shirt that said “If the love doesn’t feel like 90’s R&B then I don’t want it.” I don’t wear it anymore, because when you actually listen to lyrics from that era, it’s a whole bunch of niggas singing about sex and apologizing for being unfaithful and full of shit. I mean yeah, a few would drink your bath water, but still. I’m good. I want a love that feels like we both want this shit and we want it bad. I learned what love was only by being a part of it. It’s simple, some things feel good and some don’t. Period. Love is not a science.

“Being ‘In’ love takes a relationship to a false level of expectation. It creates an uncertainty, some anxiety and most of all, it creates real monsters. “Do you love me, or are you In love with me?” *eye roll* Questionable question. I already love you. What more could you want from me?
I’m sharing everything with you. My time, my peace, my struggle, my food, my resources, my pain, my pleasure, my wins, my losses, the list goes on. I love you so much, that I could scream!
Is that ‘In’ Love?”

• No, this isn’t being in love. This is fucking psychotic. Be it love or being in love, there should NEVER be an expectation. Love is beautiful when things are done for you just because and you didn’t expect. The second there is an expectation, love becomes a job. It’s nice if you pay for dinner, but I can pick up the tab. Stay grateful, stay thankful, and stay humble in love and you’ll always understand why you’re in it. If I’d dated a bunch of entitled motherfuckers, I’d think the same way. So, to me, I’m honored that you choose to share your time (something ppl don't' have a lot of), your peace (the things we work for our entire life), your struggle (the things we’re ashamed of), your food, your resources, your pain, your pleasure, your wins, your losses, and your list that goes on with little ol’ me. You didn’t have to, but you do/did. You chose me when you could have chosen anyone else. Please scream while being so much in love with me. Scream freedom, scream for great sex, just scream. Guess what though? I’m screaming with you, even if you didn’t ask me to.

“I will always have your back, I will remain loyal, I will set precedence over my actions and call it magic if you’d like. I will do anything necessary to keep you happy so why does this have to entail me being ‘in love?’ Not saying that you can’t live out your mythical fairytale but if I entail everything that you desire, why does love have to be something that is seen as a myth?”

• Because this is some shit that you don’t see everyday. People get paid millions of dollars on Youtube to share their life and love, because we don’t see it everyday. Real connections are so rare that the shit seems like a fairytale. Let me have my myth, because not everyone has your back, not everyone is loyal, not everyone sets precedence over their actions, not everyone is magic. So, if you are magic then experience magical shit with other unicorns like myself. Don’t settle for horses.

“I could be “in” love but what does that mean?”

• And there lies the problem. You can’t define something that is beyond you. Bask and be.

I “believe in synchronicity or serendipity. No tales. No fairies. No false hopes.
I will love you with every drop of my blood.
I will love you beyond immeasurable standards.
I will desire every part of your being every day that I wake up.
I will never run out of love to give but one can run out on me and tell me that they have no more love to give.”
“but I thought you were “in” love with me.” I asked.

• Conditions, reasons, bullshit. Anybody can say these things. Who can show you? Consistently. If the love runs out, then the consistency ended. They loved you. They weren’t in love. Being in love is a free fall. Forever. It’s not mental, physical, spiritual, or even emotional. It’s a cluster of all things good.

“The fire gone out, it was a flickering flame and all that we were left with was ourselves, in this room, face-to-face, at war with open wounds. What a way to use a word to defend an action, & ending a moral satisfaction. Be surprised if you will, but that in love shit was a blanket over a window, you might as well swallow a pill.
Love is forgiveness.
Being “In” love may create limits. It could cause an addiction.
Why haven’t I been in love? Because every time I’ve loved, I’ve loved with entirety. I’ve loved with intent. I’ve loved to the fullest. I loved with no regret. I’ve loved with passion. I’ve loved with the deepest parts of me and all of me you get. My love doesn’t come with stipulations; you get all this love with no complications. (sort of) That’s why I feel the love I give is real because it comes with all the things that make you feel, all the emotions, all of the actions, all of this satisfaction. This is the silver lining in the sky. This is a rainbow at night.

• And to this I say, you haven’t been loved back.

THAT LOVE HIT DIFFERENT WHEN YOUR ENERGY IS MATCHED. BE ALL IN OR BE OUT. In conclusion, being in love is for the people that can what? So, sink or swim, you choose. You can even decide what you can handle: river, lake, pond, or ocean. This cynic in particular has clearly been dealing with women that enjoy the shallow. Ol' wade in the water ass love. I choose oceans every time.