I’m all about myself for the next year or two. I think I’ve already said this, but I’m going to keep saying it or I’ll fall back into old patterns and behaviors. I saw this meme (above) and it got me thinking about the way that I love people.
My pain is quiet, but my love is loud.
There are all these studies and articles online that try to make you believe that if you share your life and relationship then it means that you are unhappy. The way I see it, we can’t win, no matter what. If you share your drama then people assume you need attention. If I’m going to share something then it will always be me at my best. I love seeing wedding photos, new jobs, and new babies. I clap for the good in the world. I mean, just like everybody else, I will sit and read all 353 comments on a dramatic post, but I keep that same energy for the good shit. I don’t care it’s it 353 comments saying congrats. I want to see it.
No matter who I’ve dated I’ve always put them at the center of my world. I show them off to my friends and family--only on social medial, because only the very special ones get to meet the fam in person. There isn’t a single person that doesn't know that this is my person, the person I hope to keep forever. Well… not my person person. I’m still waiting to figure out who that may be.
I like longevity.
I want longevity.
I need longevity.
Unfortunately, I haven't met anyone that mirrors my love. They are either silent, secretive, or wait for me to make a first move when it comes to sharing how I feel. I’m done doing that. I was sitting around the other day and an ex from damn near a decade ago hit me up to tell me that she still has not met anyone that loved her the way that I did. Her words made me realize that I need to be more selfish with the love I’ve been giving away, while receiving less than half of it back.
It’s why I’m exhausted now.
I’m exhausted because I love, love. I love how it feels. I love being in it. I love how it fuels me. I love making someone else happy. I love building them up. I love doing life with them, no matter how small the moment, I want them to be a part it. I’m going to die alone so I want to live in amazing company. I love being loyal to them, because to me they are receiving an exclusive gift--my love.
Yeah, I’m going to be selfish for awhile.
My guard is up too high anyway. This is the first time in my life where I feel that I’ve lost my ability to give my all. So this chapter of my life is called rejuvenation. I want to be me again, loving fearlessly and effortlessly. I’m purging all the toxic shit I’ve picked up from people who used my love to heal themselves, while I was left with nothing.
This time when I’m ready and I jump back in, I’m going to pay attention, because if the love doesn't mirror mine, I don't want it. My time is valuable. My heart is fragile.
She better write me love letters, give me back rubs, make me her woman crush Wednesday, shout she gives a damn to the world, and beta read my books then critique them. I better be her first and only choice. If she has to think about it, then I’m not the one. She better like doing corny shit, because I’m corny and I don’t care. I need to be challenged. I want to learn from my love, so she has to be smart. She better like spending time with me because it’s my love language. Well one of them. My special ass had a split between quality time and physical touch, so yeah, she better touch me. A lot. Otherwise, I don’t want her. I want to like her friends and her family and hope that they are all a reflection of one another in love and light. Dear God, please let her love money, but not be consumed in it, because I want a business partner, a woman who can inspire my art and make it with me. She gots-ta fuck me good and then make me tacos. “Ima clean up.” I said that in my best Yvette from Baby Boy impersonation voice. I know...she was the one that made the tacos. I’m always the cook in my relationship, so things need to changed. I want all that I offer. I’ve raised my standards and my prices, because I’ve given away too much and received way too little.
It better feel real.
It better be real.
It better be loud.
It better be safe.
It better be solid.
It better be secure.
It better be inspirational.
It better be equal.
The romantic part of my heart is in a box right now until it’s safe to take it out and put it back in my chest.
Never settle. What you want isn’t too much.