“Are you scared?”
That’s the question Said Lover asked me last night as I hovered over the email with my new lease. The cost, the rules, the deposits, all lead me to a small moment of anxiety.
Yes and no.
That’s how I felt looking at the commitment that I’ll be making for a year. Alone for the first time since June of 2014. I still had time to change my mind, to run. Every time that I want to do the easy thing, I can hear my sister’s voice in my head telling me that it’s what I always do. I had to stop being the definition of insanity, so here I am doing the exact opposite of everything that I usually do.
I signed this morning.
Don’t get me wrong, I have lived alone before, but I don’t remember what it feels like. I keep anticipating that first day of silence when I walk through the door and say hello and no one is there, but me. It’ll be like my last relationship, I guess. Shade. All Shade.
My work wife was going to be the one to help me move in, but she just told me not even an hour ago that she’ll be in Mexico so I’m on my own, but that’s okay. I just want to sit in my space with myself and envision where I want to put my bed and nightstand. I think I want a lamp, too. White and rose gold are the colors I’ve chosen for myself, because I’ll have to do the work to keep them fresh and clean. I’m giving myself a task. I also want a cute little high table with two chairs for me and my boo to sit and eat breakfast after a long night of talking and connecting while she’s in town. You’re damn right I’m including her in this, because I like her in my space. She’s invited. Anybody that can hold me all night without moving and kiss me in the morning is deserving of unlimited invites and breakfast. I should be looking at flights right now.
Anyways, aside from that, she also understands that I need this moment in silence to cry, to scream, to feel, and to create through it all. We want each other at 100% and that’s going to take some isolating. This is what it means to be worth the wait. How do I keep getting back here? This is about me, dammit.
I want to remember who I was before I was a married woman, then a girlfriend. One of my favorite movies is runaway bride with Julia Roberts. She attempted marriage three times and all three times, she ran right before she got to the altar. She dated these men and liked all the things that they liked. They had no idea who she was and she realized it right before “I do.” The journalist that discovered her story interviewed these men and asked them all a simple question.
How did she like her eggs?
It was whatever they liked.
I want to shed the likes of all of my past lovers and pull to the surface only what I want and need. This is fitting since I just recently identified my spirit guide as a snake. Still waiting to learn her name. I can go back to the age of eighteen when I was entangled with an Aquarius. She’d spend her last dollar on a Dr. Pepper. I STIILL go to Subway and get my chicken, bacon ranch made the exact way that she had it done for me once. It was the way that she liked it. Then there was the Pisces that loved crawfish and dick on the low (different blog). I didn’t like crawfish much and hated peeling them even more, so she would peel them for me. I haven’t eaten them and years and I don’t even miss it. She also liked me with blonde hair, now I refuse to wear it. My own mother has always been a fan of white gold and as a result she pushed that like off on my sister and me.
I’m going to sit with all of this and I’m going to dig. Lover by lover, friend by friend, and family. What does Christiana like and love? I have 15 days then on December 1st I will be truly isolated and I’m excited. I’m excited because I wasn’t sure that it would happen, because initially they wanted rental verification from the last two places that I lived. The last place was a breeze, but the one before that I still legally share with my ex because the b-word has not signed the roommate release. I’m not sure who to blame for that, her or the leasing office. Either way, my new management team let it slide and I’m grateful. I don’t even have the time to be mad or bothered by childishness or neglect, whatever the case may be.
I am free.
Free to dance naked, to sleep as long as I like, to lie diagonal across the bed, play my music loud, to come or to go. I’m going to make it my own again with pictures of the people that I love and admire all over my walls.
Forward never backwards.