I’ve always had a thing for older women. I’m not talking two to three years older, I’m talking five to ten. They walk with a wisdom that is so alluring. Yes, I know, older does not always mean better, but I like what I like. I was eighteen with a crush on a woman that was twenty years older than me. Then after her, I dealt with a Gemini ten years my senior that showed me the world on a motherfucking magic carpet ride. I haven’t been the same since.
Now I’m entangled in this divine connection with this woman much older than me. Yes, I know, I’m fresh out of a damn relationship. Trust me, this is a far cry from what was going on in that waste-of-my-time situation. This connection is… undefined. We call it nothing. I’m not her boo, her baby ( okay, a little bit of that), her love, her nothing, but here I am growing and glowing inside of every word that she speaks. It’s been a long time since I’ve been allowed to move at my own pace. She doesn’t want to interrupt my life, nor does she expect me to pick up my life to interrupt hers. She likes my path to greatness and she just wants to always be around to watch me walk it, even if she isn’t a part of it. It’s respect and admiration. It’s maturity and dammit it touch, taste, smells, sounds, and feels so fucking amazing.
This won’t be long because I’m still anticipating the next moment with her, while not, because no pressure. There is more story to write.
I just wanted to talk about this thing that she loves to say to me, “Just live more life.” I love that she makes me feel that there is more to look forward, be it a heaven or a hell on Earth, there is more and she has seen it.
She swears that I haven’t been through anything and I let her believe it, because I want to remain open to whatever it is that she is here to teach me. I’ve accepted that she is one of my soulmates.
We just recently had our first argument and I expected silence or a complete blow-up. How wrong I was. She didn’t send a bunch of rude ass text messages, she didn’t call me out of my name, and she didn’t blow my phone up, nor did she ignore me or allow me to ignore her. What she did do was call me all the way the fuck out. She told me that I didn’t give myself time to process, nor do I give others time to process their behavior. Can I just interrupt and say that I’m a little bit turned on right now? She said all of this in a voice that was gentle. I couldn’t be combative if I’d tried. I sat and I listened as this woman stated a problem, took ownership for her actions then apologized. All I could do was match her energy and do the same as we both laughed at our first argument and said, “we survived.” She told me that she likes to talk through any and everything—ain’t no going to bed mad. I love this because I can talk until I’m blue in the face. I’m always the talker. She wanted me to understand that even if this doesn’t become a forever thing, I deserve a woman that will debate me without pause. She isn’t here for the games or the manipulation that comes with walking away so you can use that time to think of lies and/or bullshit.
I find that she has a level of emotional intelligence that I strive for in this life. She’s expressive and unapologetic. She can tell me when she’s moody with ease just as she can tell me that she misses me. This woman breathes different air.
We talked about timing. We’re both in very interesting places in life, but I feel that for some odd reason we are right on time with one another. She restores my faith without even trying, doing things I’ve desired without me having to ask. I hate it and I like. I keep trying to control it in my mind like I do everything else in my life, but this one is beyond me so...
I’m learning everything in this nothing.