I feel like a lot of my blog ideas come from my Co-Star. Download it—only available on iPhone. It gives you daily updates/tips about your life based on your birth chart. I’ve gotten two messages more than once. One: I’m not for everybody. Two: Remember you have choices.
Knowing that I’m not for everyone is a given. You have to want to know me to actually love me or hate me. I welcome both equally because balance. I don’t need to be liked. Most people assume and make up their own ideas of who I am. I can’t be bothered with those types. Anybody on my do not like list, I’ve met them. My dislike is fair and legit. All people are forgivable if I decide to not be my normal stubborn self, which brings me to this blog. Power of choice.
I’ve had some rude awakenings since last October. They were much needed though. We never like how truth hits us, but how we deal with it afterwards is what makes us.
I’ve always had a pessimistic overview of life. I had the father that was a sparse presence in my life, the mother that cared more about men and treated me like competition, seasonal friends until I was an adult, and romantic partners that only knew how to inflict unnecessary pain on me.
So naturally on the inside quite a few things manifested: anger, bitterness, jealousy, fear, distrust, insecurity, and playing victim. I got quiet and I would stew in my pain. I never actually gave myself space to do and be better for just myself. Because of this I’ve constantly attracted the same energy into my life. The same types of people in different bodies with different faces and names, but at their core they were duplicates.
Now every morning when I wake up I say “power of choice” and I decide that I’m going to be happy and the feeling follows. Am I a ball of rainbows everyday? Absolutely NOT. But now I honor my feelings. I say them out loud and I let myself feel them instead of letting them take up space in my head making me dwell on unfortunate events in my life that keep me feeling low.
I 100% get it now. Forgiveness is not forgetting, it’s just letting go so that everything that comes with negative feelings don’t exist in a space inside of you where joy could be or freedom. Loving myself has meant writing openly and honestly even about the things I find shame in about myself or my life. It has meant waking up earlier to give myself more time in my day. It has meant rebranding myself and the way I see the world and the places I choose to live. Home is not where the heart is. Home is where you choose to be happy. It has meant taking care of my body inside and out by staying consistent in the gym and watching what I consume food wise. I started with four bottles of wine on my fridge at the beginning of the year. It’s June and they are still there. I love my sober view of the world and myself. Back to loving me. It has meant getting on planes and going wherever the fuck I feel like going. It has meant healthily mourning but accepting change, only keeping people around me that are vulnerable and honest, trusting my first mind, and living in all moments. It means no regrets because everything thing and every person we cross in life was on our path for a reason.
Power of choice makes me find the silver lining even when all I can see is black. I’m forced to shift my mind. Yes, there are still parts of me that are dark, but I’m facing them, because they are my demons (we all have them to fight). Some of them I think I keep on purpose. They like to be fed. Kink shit, don’t ask. I’m just glad that their is a part of me that is slowly dying. She is angry and defensive. I decided that she can’t exist. Do I like my walls down? No. Who does because it comes with rejection, but at the same time we’re only rejected from things not meant for us. So, I’ll take it.
Power of choice.