Power of Choice (LOVE)

Power of Choice (LOVE)

Y’all knew this one was coming eventually. I know I’ve been away for a minute so I truly apologize to those that come here hitting refresh only to be disappointed that there is nothing new. July has been rough my loves. Rough. I’m powering through it though. Shoutout to that three hour workout last night.

How do we choose the person best for us? It’s said that love finds us and we won’t be able to help whom we fall in love with. I’m going to have to agree to disagree. The love we attract literally mirrors who we are and I can say this because I’ve dated enough people to analyze the exact moments these people came into my life and why. It takes willpower, but we can manage the connections we make, because not all of them are healthy. Truth be told, our strongest ties are usually toxic. Note: most people don’t even know that they are toxic. Relationships will continue to fail at an alarming rate. Take y’all asses to therapy.

Love should create a freedom not a prison. If you are going to choose to love someone on purpose ignoring that their role may be temporary in your life, at least choose someone who can evolve to love you better. Despite all the rules, opinions, memes, and whatever else (even me) tells you about love, you always have FREE WILL.

As a teenagaer, I attracted anybody that could give me attention. My daddy issues were deep and the void that needed to be filled was huge. I wasn’t taught to have standards having a mother that would date any man that would pay her bills. My view of love was date who gave you what you needed. At that point in my life, what I needed was attention and that’s what I got--good and bad.

In my twenties I attracted people that always needed me to take care of them financially and emotionally. I had bad boundaries and lots of trauma. They told me their sob stories and I opened my heart and my wallet, because in exchange I could cry on their shoulders about all that I’d been through.

Trauma Bond: A Trauma Bond is a bond that forms due to intense, emotional experiences, usually with a toxic person. Similar to Stockholm Syndrome. It holds us emotionally captive through physical or emotional abuse.

Nine years. For nine years I jumped from one toxic relationship to another until I myself became the toxic person. I’d picked up so many abusive patterns that I was drowning in darkness and fear and negativity. You'll have to wait for my healing and forgiveness blog to learn how I climbed and am still climbing out of that pit. Right now, I want to talk about knowing love and choosing it for yourself.

The focus on love in my life has always been in romantic relationships. It’s probably why I’ve crossed a friendship line with four people that have been closest to me thinking they had to be my partners in my life because they “got me” and “loved me” and I trusted them. I was wrong. Again, this comes from only having a one-dimensional view of love and bad boundaries, which I’m still learning to place. I miss each of them as FRIENDS.

Now in choosing love for myself I’m paying attention to all the types available to me. If you don’t know what they are, don’t worry I got you.

• “Eros” or ertoic love = physical and or sexual only
• “Philia” or Affectionate Love = friendship/love between equals (platonic)
• “Storage” or Familiar Love = family
• “Ludus” or Playful Love = early love/puppy love (euphoria)
• “Mania” or Obsessive Love = codependency (this is not a healthy love.)
• “Pragma” or Enduring Love = love built through equal time and effort, balance (rare)
• “Philautia” or Self Love = self-compassion (you cannot share what you do not have)
• “Agape” or Selfless Love = unconditional (spiritual, boundless, infinite empathy)

If you want to go more into debt bout these types of love, visit this lovely link:

https://lonerwolf.com/different-types-of-love/

With that small explanation evaluate your connections. Decide what you choose to achieve, not only what you require, but what you can give. A lot of us sit with what we desire without ever thinking of the counter offer. This is how we meet perfect people and fail. I’m fully guilty of trying to love people when I didn’t love myself enough. I was pouring from an empty cup. Learn yourself and know your deal breakers.

For a long time I didn’t draw a line between myself and my lovers when it came to their insecurities and how that affected me. Them not loving themselves caused them to lie and cheat. I took this on as my own fault as if there was something that I I lacked. When in fact, the void was inside of them. One problem, one argument would lead them to someone else in some way. Not only does it reveal their insecurity, but also their maturity level. I had not been choosing women with high levels of emotional intelligence, which also spoke volumes about me. I had to ask myself why I was accepting this and why was it a pattern in every person that I’ve met? I had to understand my own worth and value. I should not want anyone that could easily seek out and share their time and attention with anyone else for quick validation when they knew it was me that they wanted to be with. This is not to say that I have not checked my own behavior, but even still I’ve learned not to match energy.

In a recent podcast with one of my favorite couples right now, they talk about matching energy and how it’s the worse thing you can do with anyone. Why? Because you lower your vibrations and you always want to vibrate high. I’ve been taking the high road with a lot of things and it has given me better results with people. We’ll talk about ego soon. Just know that nobody has more power over me than me. I want to deal with people that have that same type of control, platonic or romantic.

Romance again. I have a little note on my wall at home that says stay single until it feels like Alchemy. For me this means Eros + Ludus + Pragma + Philautia + Agape. All equally. I want to be loved for me on every level, not just the idea. I meet a lot of people who fantasize and I’ve dated a few only to be disappointed because they’ve already fallen for the fantasy they created instead of getting to know all of me: my fears, my flaws, my insecurities, my triggers, my traumas. I’m not a woman for small talk or egg shells or secrets or surfaces, but I also get why most people don’t like to dive deep. This, for me, weeds out the unworthy. I won’t sit here and lie and say that I’m 100% ready to commit to someone because I don’t think I am. My spirit will tell me when I’m dealing with someone that understands both my darkness and my light. What questions do you ask yourself when choosing a partner?

My questions--13 because it’s one of my numbers--and this is just a prerequisite (LOL):

1. Are they spiritual?
2. Where are they in their spiritual journey?
3. Will they allow me to have and live my own dreams without trying to force theirs on me?
4. Will they understand when I need my space?
5. Are they shallow?
6. Will they be my equal and not my competition? (sounds like a terrible question but more people in relationships are more jealous of each other than not. If we are not equal, will we be able to clap for each other?)
7. Can we merge our routines easily?
8. Can we love each other in our languages?
9. Do our life paths align? (this is a tricky one because you can date any life path number, but it might be rough. My compatible numbers are 4, 8, 2, and 6. I know y’all are like omg this is too much : numerology, astrology, spiritual paths, etc., I know, I know. Forever is a long time. I have to do this right for myself and the many lives to come. I encourage you to do the same.)
10. What is their relationship with their mother/father/siblings?
11. How secure are they within themselves?
12. Could we hold each other accountable with respect and love?
13. Are they as much of an open book as me? (This should have been my number one. I’m an oversharer like a motherfucker, but I’m learning to pull back in certain places with certain people, because honesty is not a trait that running rampant on this Earth.) I realized that I’m honest and an oversharer, because I don’t have or know shame. Shame is for liars and pretenders; people that care what other people think. People create masks to avoid shame from people that throw stones from glass houses. I stopped caring about image a long time ago. Why? People will always perceive you through their own lenses no matter what. You have to live in and with your own truth.

I’ll tell you a story. I can talk about this because I asked her permission a long time ago to share the ugly details of our lives. I’m learning to share less about people I’ve dated unless they’ve given me the green light because we’ve worked through it or it’s in fiction. Anyway, people who know me personally knew how awful my ex-wife was and nobody for the life of them could understand why I stayed. I’ll tell you why. Two years into our marriage we sat at our kitchen table with liquor and Monopoly. I don’t know why, but she stared right into my eyes and said I’ll give you one hour to ask me anything you’ve ever wanted to know that I probably lied about out of fear of losing you, but you have to forgive me, no matter what. I sat with that one stipulation. I told her we’d have to go back to therapy, but I’d stay and I’d try. That was good enough for her.

She spilled all on me. SPILLED.

This obviously went over an hour. Some things my intuition always knew and it was conformation and others I had to brace myself because the impact could knock me from my seat. We sat and we talked about it until damn near three in the morning. Was I hurt? Yes. Was I upset? Absolutely. But I had to keep up my end of the bargain. I didn’t have a problem with it because I only wanted to be married once in life. I wanted to be the person that kept their word. I wanted to endure. I also appreciated the fact that she told me her truth and I was allowed to react. I’d never seen her that vulnerable or afraid. I knew that fear was due to me being able to go back on my promise to stay after the horrid things she’d confessed. This is going to sound ridiculous, but I respected her. We promised to be no less than 100% honest with each other after that.

Why are we not together?

Well, she continued to do fucked up things. There was no way for me to heal there, but I did come out of that knowing that I always wanted someone who could tell me their truth and not rob me of my choice to decide if I want to keep going. That is how I believed that some form of love was there for me, because the selfish thing to do would be to lie. She laid all her cards bare knowing the consequence and she let me choose. Staying after that was all on me. I had regrets. I don’t anymore. I learned. I thank her for a lot and it’s odd, but I now understand why diamonds are created from pressure. I also learned not to sit in discomfort with a person. I’m not afraid to argue. But I will say I probably should learn to ask questions, because I’m good at coming with the accusations without discussion. I know what I know and that’s it!

I want a fair lover and I want to be fair. Anything else is manipulation.

I’ll also tell you this. Meet truth with gentleness, because flipping out will only make a person fear being honest again. I’ve been sitting with my gentle spirit. She was hiding for such a long time because I’ve had to defend myself in love more often than not, but I want to enter love from the other side. If you chose love and to love, be in it, all the way. Don’t do grey areas and don’t quit when it gets boring or hard because it will.

“Neither of us knew how to love, and so, we went to war instead.”

Sit with that.

Patience. Loyalty. Consistency. Honesty. Trust. Unselfishness. Communication w/ comprehension. = Longevity and Love.

Let me know when y’all are ready to have the conversation about how love works when your poly. I got you.