Power of Choice (SPIRIT)

This Tuesday is an astrologically eventful day — we have both a new moon in Cancer and a total solar eclipse.

​Don’t you just love Cancer season? I don’t. I feel all of my feels and my Aqaurius moon is confused like a motherfucker. Why? Because the Aquarius is logical and detached, so it’s literally like what is this?! It’s sadness you asshole, it’s disappointment, it’s fear, it’s life and we can’t run from it. It was a good weekend y’all. GOOD GOOD. I know it seems like I’ve been in hiding ( I have), but for good reason. Here’s my quick check-in:

• Been living alone officially for seven months
• Recorded my first test podcast
• Named my EP (yes, music!)
• Found my second path and purpose (back to school I go)
• Been off social media for awhile and I have to admit that it’s been pleasant.
• I cry
• I meditate
• I affirm
• Starting a business w/ my sister (just keep up with my website)
• Managing my depression like a boss
• Hoping on planes
• Seeing Seattle through fresh eyes​

So yeah, my time and energy has been well spent. I will say this. I’m in a phase of healing from a lot of things. Healing is ugly and my God is it painful. It’s like having someone walking in front of you with a mirror and they never get tired. I’m forced to see myself 24/7 without a break. Even as I write this blog, another part of my brain is focused on what I need to meditate on tonight. All-in-all my spirit is remembering peace and freedom again. I want to speak on one breakthrough in particular that I had this past Saturday.

I’ve always been obsessed with past lives and trying to figure out who I used to be and how much of that energy followed me into this life. We live many lives. Many. This one in particular has me shook. I was some kind of slave, but I got away. I followed a false leader that didn’t have my best interests at heart (a Leo). I used art for my sanity. I was also sick a lot (stress, depression, physical, and emotional abuse, etc.), but I remained spiritual. I struggled with finances because of this leader. What that means for me in this life? I’ve rejected religion and social constructs. I have hella trust issues. I care about my health. I have a lot of anger and resentment toward certain races. I love to cook. I care about the Earth. I’m financially secure. I’m a shape-shifter/chameleon. I’m a rebel. I can read people’s energy and know instantly if they are good for me. I’m a liberator/healer/teacher. All truth.

My gifts and talents that followed me to this life: singing, dancing, massage therapy, physical therapy, physical training, and speaking/communication.

Life is funny. Real funny. The theme of my life has been that I can’t forgive. Y’all don’t understand how stubborn I am. I can hate you until I die. I laughed when I learned that the only way for me to get to my highest, highest self is to forgive. I have to heal my root and heart chakra. My past life also has lots of good Karma. I always wondered why I’ve been so fortunate or lucky or blessed, whatever term you choose to use. It’s my soul. It’s beautiful. (Insert tears)

I cried crocodile tears, because now everything in my life has been confirmed. I’m on the right path and none of my pain in life has been in vain. Liberation is the chapter I’m in, in my life. I wrote a list of people that I need to forgive. Whether they forgive me or not is on them, not that I’ve ever really dealt with people who couldn’t forgive. It’s always been me. Some people on my list are harder to forgive than others, but I plan on crossing off all of the names before the year is over. Or at least, I hope to do my best. Carrying hate is a dark energy and it will eat you from the inside. I know this as fact because being bitter and angry has caused me to make poor decisions. I’ve hurt people, self-sabotaged, shut down, played victim, I’ve half-loved lovers, spewed venom from a hurt place, isolated myself, and acted out in revenge a few times, because Karma just didn’t work fast enough. I’m also paying attention to my triggers. They are where my deepest wounds are and need my TLC. I got this.

33 years and I’m finally done running from myself, my ugly truths, and other people who simply just wanted to make amends or apologize. Accepting an apology won’t kill you. This wave of emotions has been heavy. Heavy because my body is catching up. I blocked my healing with relationships, sex, alcohol, weed, and the biggest of all anger. Anger is a motherfucker and a monster. Even though my anger wasn’t always displayed in physical violence, it came out in other ways that were still destructive. We don’t get a do-over in life, but we can reset.

I also want to set my next life up for success by balancing energies in this life. That means breaking karmic ties so they don’t repeat and recognizing soulmates (romantic and non-romantic) and the lessons that they come with (next blog). Honoring the good that came from these connections and not harping on the bad.

Healing cost time, energy, ego, relationships, money, and money. When you are ready for a shift, put everything on the table. Change isn’t cheap, but holding out on yourself costs more than you can give, -Chani Nichols

Understanding yourself and people is not a waste of time.

I’ll leave you with what I listen to when I wake up and before I fall asleep:

• Les Brown
• HoodXHolistic Podcast (I love Cort and Ash like I’ve met them before)
• Therapy for Black Girls Podcast
• Ted Talks
• Unleash Your Strengths Podcast

Love and Light beautiful humans. Keep choosing love. Let go of regret. Follow your heart.

Random confirmation from a stranger.

The face of freedom and peace <3