The Higher Self

We all want to be better people. No. I take that back, because I’m not sure the R. Kelly’s and Ted Bundy’s of the world think that way. So… some of us want to be better people. We want to operate as our “highest selves.” The problem with this, is that it’s just a term until you define it. You have to know what makes you low in order to elevate. I’ve done a lot of isolating, crying, meditating, day drinking, I mean, dreaming, and analyzing to pinpoint my vibrations.​

SUN----MOON----RISING

This one is going to be a doozy so bear with me.

Let’s talk about my lower self, because yes I’ve been there. I feel that when it comes to who I am I’m always operating in a grey area. I’m such a I give what I get type of person that it’s hard for me to stay either up or down. My goal is to always, always take the high road, but some people really make you sit your crystals down. It’s okay to let people know when they have you fucked up.

What is your sun? It’s your ego, identity, “role” in life. It’s the core of who you are. (Co--Star app)

Me? Yes, I can be possessive, more with things than people, because well I’ve suffered great loss. I get tired of losing so I hold onto the things that mean something to me. I hold them even if they make me bleed. Am I working on this? It’s not at the top of my list.

Am I clinging? I can be. With people, because when I love, I LOVE. I want you everywhere with me all the time even if it’s in silence. I’d probably bring my partner to work with me if I could. I know that this is unrealistic, because people have to have their own lives. Maybe this is why I’ve been so successful with Pisces. They have no issues making you the center of their world. They are the most adaptable people in the world. It’s crazy. Still too much of that can be a bad thing. Too much of anything can be a bad thing.

Overly jealous. Mmm, no. Jealousy is dangerous. It kills. I can't imagine being someone always hating what someone has just because I don't have it. I can’t imagine being so bothered that I’d do anything to take that away from them. Who am I to say they don’t deserve it? Have I had jealous feelings? Of course. Do I still have them now and again? Yes, because I’m human, but I check myself. Jealousy is a personal problem and up to you and you alone to figure out why that feeling found a place inside of you. However, I will admit that I’m territorial as fuck. Like a dog. Come near something of mine and I will probably, literally bite you. I’m so damn protective and the way my trust us set up… yeah. I’m loyal to a fault. I’m such a “if my girl or friends don’t fuck with you then I don’t fuck with you” type of person. I let my last Said Lover compromise this about myself, because her loyalty, to me, was faulty. I don’t want to have conversations about who did what, when, where, and why. You associate with people who I don’t like then I’ll just be territorial with myself and keep my distance from all you niggas. Period. I shouldn't’ have to ask anybody to choose. If you even have to think about it or make excuses, that says enough. Don’t pick me. Don’t expect to be picked by me either.

I’m not even going to sit here and flesh out “refuses to open up and speak about their emotions.” I’m an open blog/book. It’s the people that I deal with that seem to have a problem. I’m done twisting on doorknobs, knocking and tugging. If you want me to see your heart, cool. If not, fuck you. Let’s not waste our time. K.

Apprehensive about falling in love and becoming vulnerable. No and more no. I love, love. I am love. I am the heart chakra. I just am. I have my moments in life where I feel burned and bitter, but I blame that on the ain’t shit people that I’ve chosen for myself. Love has not changed and it never will. Leave love out of this. I’ll always, always be willing to fall and become vulnerable with a person who is deserving and it’s the right time. My three deal breakers: don’t lie to me, don’t talk shit behind my back, don’t involve another bitch. You’ll regret it. Otherwise, there is nothing like a perfectly timed love.

I’m headstrong. I’m not going to argue. Who doesn’t like to have their way? I’ve accepted when I don’t. Sort of.

Resistant to change. Funny. I used to hate change. I still do, but again it’s a grey area. I like slow, gradual change. I’m just not a rip the band-aid off type of girl. This conversation would be different with my moon and rising. Do you see my struggle? Okay. Because I will pack up, quit my job, move across the country, then silently suffer while I figure it out. I don’t know.

I’m not shy. I’m not reserved. I am observant. That is all.

Reject me, I don’t care. Some people hate me, some people want me to sit on their face while I sing them a song. It’s life. This is where I can sometimes be okay with not getting my way.

I. Am. Not. A. LAZY. WOMAN. Do I have lazy days? Absofuckinglutely. Sometimes I am in full sleep and eat all day mode. I’ll pick a show on Hulu and/or Netflix and do absolutely nothing. ALL DAY. But, when it’s time to grind and chase this bag, I’m on it. Can’t be broke. Won’t be broke. I ain’t dating you if you broke. Should have caught me in my 20’s. Even when I’m down, I’m not, because my pride won’t allow it.

Insensitive. Yes. My sensitivity is most certainly selective depending on the circumstance. Another grey area.

Grudges? I hold them. Show me a bull that doesn’t and I’ll show you someone full of shit. I’m not Jesus and owe nobody my forgiveness. I have gotten to a place in life where I can be cordial with people who have done me wrong, but they will never have my trust enough to fuck me over again. Ever.

Better at sustaining what others have started, rather than starting things themselves. Nah. I’m a boss. I create other bosses and never ask for a thing in return, but maybe a shoutout and dinner. I know people that I don’t speak about and I can get shit done when I want to.

Yes, I am critical. I’m working on this. It’s not what you say it’s how you say it, Christiana.

I am right all the time or at least I like to believe that I am. I know in reality that I’m not. I remain teachable. Feed me. Give me knowledge. That’s sexy.

Treats people or objects as possessions. I do. Scorpios, Virgos, and Cancers don’t mind. Problem solved. Well, not really, because I don’t too much care to date any of them. Maybe if they are developed enough. Maybe.

Can be lead but never pushed. I have a problem with this one. Being pushy is actually toxic AF. I’m pushy and I’m trying to stop being that way. One, because it’s not my job to make you ambitious. Two, because sometimes it’s just too aggressive and some people just aren’t ready to thrive. I have an understanding that everything I want is on the opposite side of fear, so that means taking leaps of faith and failing forward, if necessary. Not all people think this way. They are more calculated and they feel pressured when pushed. So, guess what? I’m learning to leave motherfuckers in my dust and run with people who want to run with me.

Wolves eat sheep.

Don’t push, encourage.

My opinions are mine. I choose to deal with people who have like-minded views. That’s it.

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What is your moon? It rules your emotions, moods, and feelings. It reflects your personality when you’re alone and deeply comfortable.

I’m happy to announce that my moon is pretty much developed.

I am friendly. Ask all the strangers that I talk to daily.

I try to be as a original/unique as humanly possible. I like my lane and I stay in it.

Hella intuitive. Lie to someone else. I’ll know. Pretend to be a good person with someone else. I’ll know.

So broad-minded. Pro-choice, pro-hoe, pro-minding my own fucking business so I don’t have time to judge you on yours. If you want to share, I give great advice. I’ll always encourage anyone to live their best life. Even people that i’m romantically interested in. Don't let me be a hindrance to what you define as freedom. I’m a bull and will huff and puff, but I’ll let you go. Thank my moon.

Non-conforming. Me. Fuck patriarchy.

Independent. All the way. I mean feel free to pay a bill or two. I’ll even slide you the cheaper ones. I also accept food and spa days. Still independent.

Freedom loving. Yes.

Super unusual. I’m a whole mood, a vibe. Get to know me.

Helpful.

Super practical. Logical, too.

This one is huge. Yes, I seek to share knowledge with others in order to bring a better life for all. FOR FREE. I got fairy dust in my pockets and unicorns and mermaids are my best friends, even though I’m a witch.

I rock ‘group’ anything. Put me in coach.

Yes, yes, I help others so they can help themselves. On every level. Certain people can’t ask me for money, but they know why.

Humanity: I want to feed the hungry and provide shelter for all that are homeless. I do. I do a lot of silent humanitarian work that I don’t talk about. I can’t show up physically, but it’s not an excuse.

• I donate to breast cancer walks since I haven’t done one since 2014. I’m going to fix that.
• I send money to families for Christmas. In 2016 a young girl just needed a coat. Last year I sent money for an entire family.
• I donated money to a boys club in New Orleans to get young boys their own footballs.
• I randomly buy gifts on Amazon from people’s wish list
• I sent bottled water to Flint.
• I gave a random person $50 for Valentine’s Day
• At the Safeway across the street from me, a man couldn't pay for Milk and Cereal. I added it to my bill.
• I like to buy people in line behind me food in hopes that they pay it forward.
• I just gave 90% of my wardrobe to a women’s shelter.
• I give a lot of my books away for free, because I care more about people reading than making money.

I can sit here all day with a list of shit I do because I love to, because this world is strange and fucked up and needs more kindness. I do things because I’m fortunate and I recognize it. I always want to do more. I want to deal with people who do more. I’m working on that.

Philosophical.

Visionary.

Determined.

Persistent.

Analytical.

All me.

And it is true that I will NOT attend an argument unless I feel passionately about the subject. Always ready to defend what’s right. I actually don’t mind polite debate.

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What is your rising?It’s your “mask.” It’s what you present to others. Your personal style. Mine: independent, optimistic, confident, overly blunt, and critical.

The end.

I said all of this to say that operating in your higher self is all about checks and balances. I identify those things about myself that could use more of my love and dig to the root of it. Nine times out of ten it’s tied to conditioning, bad parenting, a habit I picked up from a toxic partner,  and/or childhood trauma. Unlearning and healing will be two of the hardest things you will ever do in your life, but I can assure you it’s worth it. You feel different, you stop seeing flesh and you start to see souls. People’s decisions will make more sense to you, even when they hurt you.  A higher-self is an awareness. An understanding.

Get to know you. Be gentle with yourself. Take your time. Success is directly tied to knowing yourself.

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