I reconnected with an old friend. She’s been a part of my life for over a decade. Low-key I’ve always been overprotective of her because her mind and heart are absolutely beautiful. She’s supported me and loved me unconditionally for a long time. I honestly can’t really explain our relationship or connection but those rare times in life when we get a moment to pause from our real lives, we share intellect. I can always speak from the most honest part of myself and be met with love. I aspire to be more like her. Another toxic blog coming to you soon.
Today she asked me two questions because we always talk about our love lives or lack thereof. She specifically asked if I have a Said Lover--thank you for letting me know you read my blogs. I appreciate you. My answer felt too complicated when it should have flat out just been 'no.' I do not have a Said Lover. All there is, is a person I’m “kicking it” with. Why that term? Because, well, relationship is a strong word and there are several things I need before I say I’m in one. This person is not proving those things and I need to stop behaving like I’m off the market (still not on the market) for someone who only exist in my life for food and movies. Of course, it’s much more complicated than that, but you get the point. I’m SINGLE.
Said Lover and I also don’t have the best or most stable history. My brain won’t give me peace with some of the things she’d said and done, which makes me unforgiving. I struggle with being one of those women that make excuses. You know, “At least she never cheated,” forcing myself to accept a lesser of many evils. For what? I don’t know if she doesn’t cheat. I don’t know what she does, and that in itself is problematic for someone like me. I can’t say confidently that she would never do (insert fuckboi shit) to me.
She did and now my brain constantly says she still is and will do it again. It’s just a feeling I have in my gut. It nags. Trust a liar to lie. Trust a cheater to cheat. I notice everything a person does and I stay silent. I let them lie to my face about it and make sure to keep myself guarded from their shit. Shout out to my Ex-wife for being trash and teaching me how to spot manipulation.
I was getting a bit comfortable with our situation but a quick trip to see my family and a few slaps brought me back to reality. Seeing my sister with her girlfriend always reminds me to give what I get. Their love is quite inspiring.
I trust three people 100% with all of who I am: my sister, my best friend Bee, and my best friend Chi.
My longtime friend’s second question was what would my fairytale be? This came after I stated that I wanted my loyalty and dedication matched. I said I want my fairytale. Fairytales get a lot of flack for pretty much all being toxic and ending the same, but on the brighter side they each have their own storyline and just want love in the form that works for them.
They tell you not to tell people what you want because they can pretend to be that, but at the same time if they know nothing, how can they love you properly? We are all imperfect people and we have to be taught how to love people in the way they receive love. So here is my fairytale.
My want list:
I want my fairytale.
My love fairytale is old school. Its mixtapes, going steady, holding books through hallways, walking you home just to spend more time with you and make sure your safe. It’s handwritten love letters and sitting on the phone sharing war stories until 3am, saying no you hang up until four. My love is coats over puddles for you to step on, holding you hand while you walk down steps in heels. My love is coming to the door to knock or ring the doorbell for your company, not blowing the horn to wait for you to come outside. My love is looking forward to a kiss at the end of the date because we had such a good time that you earned it. We earned it. My love is not caring who text first because text are new school, so like fuck that, call me. My love is telling you exactly how I feel and doing way too much because I want you to know that I’m into you. I don’t need these games or dating rules. It’s VCRs and cassette tapes. It’s the original Nintendo and floor model TVs.
There is no grey area in what I wish to give or receive and I shall keep my love to myself until it’s worth releasing. I never wanted to do kid alone because I watched my Mom do it, but I’m okay with it now. Solo trips, masturbation, and worshipping myself. I’m so down that it makes no sense.
And yes, I do understand that there are things that have to test you and I’m okay with that.
I sit and think about how I stayed in a relationship for five years with the same person and how I can do it again but longer some day. Honestly, she and I had the best communication. She didn’t mind hurting me with the truth. She never robbed me of my choice. She never found joy in her bad decisions. Sometimes if I got silent, she’d randomly apologize for hurting me assuming that’s what my distance meant. Even if that wasn’t the reason, I appreciated her acknowledgment. There was no such thing as a mad day. She’d pick a place, typically by water and we’d go sit and talk through the discomfort until we were back in a decent space. She never allowed me to feel jealous or insecure about anyone or anything. People wanted us. They wanted us a part to have their turn. Our foundation was so solid. Put her in a room full of available beautiful women and she’d stare at me and me back at her. Trust me, it happened. I think she was the first woman to place me on the same pedestal that I placed her on. We were equals. Partners. We never even made a decision without each other.
I’m a stubborn one, so I can remember trying to sleep on the sofa some nights when I called myself being mad about something. She would squeeze her 6 foot something ass right on the sofa with me because sleeping without each other and as not an option. We had the same love language so I never had to explain what I needed. We did EVERYTHING together and wanted all of the same things. She was my best friend. We started out that way.
Maybe I should shoot my shot with one of my friends in a year or two. They’d laugh me out of this country if I tried so let me stop.
But, this is what I think of when I think of someone who doesn’t give up on you. I was the one that gave up. I don’t want her or that back, but I am learning to honor the good that happened in all of my relationships romantic and platonic. It’s my love history and brought me to where I am to know what I will and won’t tolerate.
I want the next level. The improved version of unbreakable love. I want my symbol of love that fits, be it a glass slipper, a magical rose, or true loves kiss. I want it. Hopefully, it’s something obvious like a notebook or an special ink pen, something that represents me, but it’s out there.