My biggest dating mistake has been staying in places with people I no longer trusted. I pride myself on my high tolerance for bullshit, but believe me it’s nothing to be proud of. It’s something that I’m trying to unpack and toss out. First thing first is never ever committing myself to someone who I can’t or don’t trust.
I’m probably going to be alone a long time, because right now I only trust three people.
But I’m okay with it because my loyalty is unmatched. I think there has only been two people in my dating life that didn’t make me side-eye them. My first girlfriend and my first love—two different people.
I can remember the moment in all my serious relationships where I should have had more respect for myself and walked away. They showed me they were capable of deceit and it should have been enough. I should have left the Pisces that told me everybody cheats. I should have left the Aries that paraded her teammate around as her friend, only to later be exposed as her side chick with the love letters that I found. I should have left the Pisces that had naked pics of his “associate” saved in his phone. I should have left the Cancer that could disappear for days at a time and then pop up like nothing ever happened. I should have left the Taurus who didn’t bother to tell me she was dating and in love with someone else until after weeks of us talking. I definitely shouldn’t have married her either. Lastly, I should have left the Scorpio that could leave me at home alone, get drunk, make out with someone else, come home the next day, but gets upset when I move out.
I’m always willing to give people second chances. Why? Because I’m human and imperfect and if it were me, I’d want one. The problem with the chances that I hand out like Oprah is that I didn’t have healthy boundaries. I don’t say what I won’t tolerate soon enough. Shit has to hit the fan before I draw a line.
It stops here.
Don’t believe me? Ask the woman that I walked out on last month just making general statements that made me uncomfortable. Wasted money on a plane ticket and all, but I don’t care because you can’t put a price on peace. You can’t put a price on respect.
I’m no longer interested in lovers that only dedicate themselves to me partially. If I say a certain friend makes me uncomfortable and they ignore me, I’m out. If I don’t trust their friendship or the history, I’m out. If they are friends with someone who doesn’t care for me or has spoken ill of me, I’m out. It says a lot about them as a person and I take full notice.
I’m also not interested in anyone who wants to date me secretly (got several of those right now). Those types have other women or people they don’t want to upset and I’m not here for it. Now if you just like keeping things quiet until you know it’s real, that’s different. I just refuse to be strung along by anybody else. It is my job and my job alone to protect myself from unnecessary pain and disappointment.
People want to be in a relationship with me but don’t want the responsibility, so they can do what they want without me. Act single. Be single. I’m learning to respect myself more than what I’ve allowed. I also realized that my forgiveness is owed to no one. It truly is just for me. I’m forgiving myself everyday.
I need to be able to fully trust my lover when I’m not around. Total trust is love to me. I don’t like who I am without it. I’m paranoid, jealous for no reason, and downright crazy. Trust is more important than anything in my mind. Everything else can be worked on and out.
Trust is non-negotiable.
Is it worth rebuilding trust with certain people? That, I’m not sure of just yet. I’ll let you know at the end of my journey of cutting motherfuckas off and healing some unattended wounds. I’m trying to learn to trust myself again, because my romantic choices have left me in a place of extreme caution.
Here is where I am. I trust people to be exactly what they have shown me.