“When an over-thinker says they love you, believe them. They have thought of a million reasons not to.”
I haven’t had a drink in 48 days. Yesterday, my sister, myself, and her girlfriend all went out to eat after my mom had gotten married for the fourth time in her life.
My sister and I talked about my cleanse, because we never thought we’d be two people caring about what we put into our bodies. She asked me what changes I’d noticed about myself since this cleanse. My answers were simple. I have more natural energy and my depression has improved drastically.
The answer for myself is that I’m thinking clearer than I ever have. I’ve been drinking for a long time so my thoughts and decisions have probably almost always been impaired. (Since the age of 19, yes, I know not the legal drinking age)
My focus has been on love thanks to my trip to this wedding. Shoutout to my Mom for never giving up, I guess.
So I’ve been dealing with a Said Lover and honestly, I don’t feel like I’m being loved as fully as I possibly can be. I often times feel like she’s trying to manipulate me to get what she wants from me. Also whatever it is that she wants isn’t really clear, but she swears it is.
There are three major things needed to solidify a long-lasting connection: communication, trust, and honesty.
Our communication sucks.
Trust, for me, left the building a long time ago.
Honesty? Well, I can never tell if I’m being told a lie, but words and actions are always a contradiction.
With the poor communication I find myself disconnected a lot. I believe that relationships with people who have the same views as you lead to less arguments.
I don’t want to make this long because I don’t want to dwell. I’m unfulfilled and the one promise I made to myself this year was to not settle for bull. Trust myself more because I know what’s best. My intuition knows what’s best.
Best is not having someone seem annoyed with you because you ask the same question more than once.
Best is not someone who post subliminal messages and memes throwing shots.
Best is not someone who argues with you then talks as if nothing is wrong the next day.
Best is not saying to someone that Erykah Badu is problematic and them replying they like her music. Have we learned nothing about that separate the artist from the art shit with R. Kelly? Where is the why? The polite debate and conversation?
Best is not them posting something about a crush and saying it was for you when you never said you needed love...
Best is not having to choose your relationship or your friendships.
Best is not accepting poor excuses for unacceptable behavior, like texting late at night. Or flirting with supposed mystery friends. Or texting in my ear. Rude.
Best is not being seen as someone’s made up definition of toxic, which literally means poisonous. Poison kills.
Best is not someone who can’t tell you what’s wrong.
(I really like making list)
I’ve always got caught in these loops with people because my Taurus can’t walk away. It refuses to accept the flags because gets blinding by the good and that’s all it wants to see. Like damn, what is wrong with you? What do you need? Your loyalty can be waived. Sag and Aquarius back me up on this one. (My rising and moon)
‘I love you’ are literally just words and they can keep you caged. Make people show up. Just because they choose you doesn’t mean they actually really love you. Back up what you’re saying, otherwise you are just talking. So glad words of affirmation fall kind of low on my list. People would be able to feed me anything. Thank you brain for always, always thinking.
I owe myself a lot and I’m going to keep giving that to myself. I’ve accepted that I will have to take a lot of losses on this journey, but I’m deep in this process to heal. To have who and what’s best for me. I don’t care how selfish that may look to others.
So my subliminal but not so subliminal message is don’t be half-ass loved. Go half somewhere else.
Keep loving on yourself lovers. This is our year.