sAid LoVeR
 ALOHA Honolulu, Hawaii. I should have booked this trip before Paris because it honestly was underwhelming, not in beauty just in adventure. I don’t know why I had this idea that Hawaii would be this tropical place where I could get lost in a jungle. I should have done more research. My Lyft driver gave me the scoop on which island to try for more of a safari experience. Either way, I have to figure out a way to battle the sun. Five days of heat has me back in Seattle temperatures looking like a damn reptile. I’m shedding skin physically and metaphorically. The travel there was easy. My seat was upgraded for free because someone wanted my basic ass seat that I didn’t care about. Fine by me. You can feel the easy-going aura the second you land and walk into the terminal. I nodded and smiled and started looking for trees, which I found. There was a whole ass garden in the middle of the airport. I was like okay, okay. I can do this.  My Uber driver Janae was amazing. She told me some places to go and we even traded names for the rest of the trip. She’s going to resume my identity in Seattle since she likes it here so much. I won’t be residing in Hawaii, but Seattle is about to be long behind me. I’ve found my place in the world. Now the horror. The hotel was awful. NEVER EVER STAY AT THE AMBASSADOR. Both the name and the photos online are a LIE. I made sure I only went to my room to sleep because, no just no. It smelled like old paint and vinegar. I instantly recognized the scent because my Mom cleans with vinegar and I HATE it. The elevators were slow as molasses and the cleaning crew used them just as much as the guest. Get a fucking service elevator. I opened the sliding door and felt relief because the view was amazing. The view and the gym is the only thing that saved front desk from being dragged to hell. There was a kitchen, but I wasn’t cooking shit. Oh, the location was unmatched, so I guess. I read reviews. I didn’t this time. My bad.  Anyways, I walked the river most days. It rained the day I was supposed to do my bike ride, so I just sat on the phone with my girlfriend for hours (highlight). I didn’t make it on time for fireworks on the beach. There weren’t many locals. No luaus. Jet skiing and sails were cancelled because the winds were too high. I was too far for hikes and I didnt pack for that. So, my time was spent with my friend and her friends, eating mediocre food, walking their strip, taking photos, texting my fucking amazing future wife, the beach, and a pool. STOP THE PRESS. I almost forgot about the most epic moment on the trip. White people were trying to white people, per usual. We get to the beach and find a good space with a decent view. A guy was kind enough to let us know that he was in the same spot and the tide washed him and all of his things away. With that information we moved back. We get comfortable and fall asleep only to wake up to a group you know whos blocking our view. They ALL decided to take a walk and asked us to watch their things. Sure *evil grin*. In a matter of moments the tide came and boooy was it a big one. It washed their things away and there was nothing more satisfying than the look on their faces. Lesson: don't be fucking rude. We obviously left an open space for a reason. For kicks: A six-way crosswalk. Chaos?  I will say that the beach is lit. All two of the ones that I visited. The sand at Waimea bay is hot as fuck. People wake up early to get a good view and just lounge. I fell asleep without even realizing it, but while awake, the silence made a lot of shit make sense. Some “friends” can’t be friends no more.
I did also spend time in a cool ass studio bearing witness to greatness in the making. I’m always in awe of art being made in real time. May have been the highlight of the whole trip. I dozed off in a nightclub sipping on water on the rocks. The DJ sucked. Sipped on a Mai Tai for an hour because well, I don’t drink for real anymore and my tolerance has gone way down. Found a mall with a 3-story Forever 21 bought as much as I could overstuff in my carry-on. Sent babe a postcard because I was thinking about her and wanted to tell her what I learned about putting flowers in your hair. On the right side, you’re single. On the left, you’re taken. Left side all day *wink* Oh, there was a dope ass street fair the last day. That was cool. Time in Hawaii just does not move. I recommend three days for like a honeymoon or stress relief. I was over it after two days. Had my girlfriend been with me then I may have felt differently because well, she’s lit and adult life could have been happening in real time. I’m trying to keep this PG, like kissing on the back of a sailboat. I could be the solo-tripper girl, but I’d rather not be and don’t have to be, because she’ll come anywhere in the world with me. Finally, someone who wants ALL of what I want. It was kind of a shit trip. I would have much rather been at work or home dealing with my ever-changing life. I did learn some shit about my skin. So to my babies with eczema, the sun is not our friend. Suntan lotion, Aloe straight from the plant or the gel as my girlfriend argued, and Mama Mia’s eczema soap (best money I’ve ever spent). MAHALO, ALOHA PRESS PLAY
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 I’ve been obsessed with France since I was a little girl. It’s not something far off since I was born and raised in New Orleans, a place known for its French influence, from the language to the food. In elementary, we had a project that entailed us building monuments using only popsicle sticks. It was only right that I chose the Eiffel Tower. I stared at a picture of the Eiffel Tower daily in order to get every detail right. It was one of the most beautiful things I’d ever seen—the tower not my project (that was a disaster). I learned it’s history and promised I’d see it for real one day. In high school I had the opportunity to take French. I studied it for four years driving my Mom and sister insane. I was good at it, but I didn’t keep practicing after graduation. Society: girls like me don’t get those types of opportunities. Me: bet. I’m here, right now. That little girl in therapy that I promised to heal and give everything she deserved as a child is here, in the middle of Paris with access to her obsession : The French and the Eiffel Tower. Hands down the best birthday present ever. I’m coming 33. It’s my Jesus year—that’s what she said. *Commercial Break: be with someone that will show you and tell you that there is nothing beyond your grasp. Oh, and fuck TSA.* France was a whole ass experience. There was no existing in it. I lived it from the moment I was granted access by way of passport. The language slaps you in the face as soon as you join their world. It’s beautiful, it’s fast, and pretty damn easy to pick up. I was Bonjour-ing and Bonsoir-ing my way through Paris by nightfall, night one. I had Euros in my pocket—which looks like Monopoly money by the way—and I was ready for whatever. I’m down like that. Danger? What is that really? TUH! Check exchange rates before you travel because it goes up and down depending on the economy. A smart woman taught me this. She teaches me a lot. I’m still low-key salty that my American cash of $431 only got me $310 Euros. That’s a whole ass rant for another day. This is the reason I don’t like ATM’s. Why I gotta pay for my money? Bruh. Anyways, I did like the fact that I could use my debit card in another country. LIT. (Call your bank though or that decline is going to hurt in a deep place.) Before we go any further on this amazing and exhilarating journey, can we talk about the luxury ass plane ride? I’m just going to list it out for you : comfort+ (basically first fucking class), warm, wet towels to clean your hands with, two bomb ass meals w/ options and deserts, dope ass flight attendants that literally never sat down and catered to every single passenger, my own overhead bin, free entertainment, and I was right next to a restroom (milly rocks). My Taurus and my bladder have never been more pleased. There may or may not have been an attractive woman next to me with a window seat that was even cute while she was asleep. I’m not a creep, so I digress. There was, however, a black woman (French) that started the flight with a full blowout. By the end, mama had a full head of individual twist. I lived for the protective style and the international blackness.
Now the journey. RER from the airport to the hotel and not knowing how the hell to read French was an anxiety attack in itself. Stepping on this train was all faith and crossed fingers with the hope it was going in the right direction because there were two. Shoutout to Google Maps though. I thought I’d get to see a lot of scenery on the train, but all I got was trees like I was rolling through Birmingham, Alabama. There was LOTS of graffiti and people all up in my personal space. Parisians don’t have boundaries. A dude came and sat right in front of me with a million open seats available. His knees touched mine and everything. This made me realize how American I was and that I’ve been in Seattle way too long. We stand even with empty seats if its too close to another human. Weird flex to me now. I been in people’s personal space since I returned. You ain’t gotta talk to me, but ima sit right here. K? Cool. Also, the train was slow as hell. That ride felt like it was two hours long. Whew. M6 Etoille was the next train—NOT NATION— jokes all jokes. M6 would be the train of the trip and pay attention because not all of the doors will open. There’s a knob that you have to pull to open the door and for some reason I refused to touch it. At the connect/transfer there was a devastating discovery of three stories of stairs with no escalator or elevator. Leg day is everyday! A carry-on, a camera bag, and a full 50 lb suitcase. A bitch got her cardio, okay? I really wish I had worn my Fitbit, because I’m so curious about how many steps I took this past week. I could insert a burn in here about a wild goose chase for an elevator or an escalator, but I won’t. I’ll just say I was right. Convenience and choices are only for Americans, and Parisians can smell it on us. We reek. I’m not complaining, because even with the long trek, the hotel was convenient as fuck. Okay, slightly, don’t get to Paris too early, the room will not be ready until 12 hours as the beautiful, flamboyant front desk clerk put it in his cute French accent and pigeon English. Noon, it was ready at noon. Still, this location was perfectly selected. One mile from the Louvre, The Eiffel Tower, The Catacombs, and anything that you can think to do in Paris. AND I got to simply be a local. Parisians aren’t like us. Whenever someone says to me they are going to New Orleans for an event, I’m like, meh. Been there don’t that. Not Parisians. They marvel at their city and visit the attractions just as much as tourist. You see families and people on dates with the same excitement in their eyes as someone like me, seeing it all for the first time. Even the hotel was filled with guest that were French. I saw two Americans in a week. I know I keep circling back to this hotel. I loved it. The staff was amazing and hella accommodating from the one iron that stayed in the room for six days to the map they printed for me with a list of gyms. Madrigal, book it. I really miss my window, too.  I did a week of Paris fashion and everyday was perfect, except day one. I put on the wrong shoes and I want a do over. There are quite a few things I’m going shopping for because I aspire to look more French. More stripes, more boots, more jackets, more hats, more leather, lots of scarves. Ugh! I LIVED FOR THEM. Especially the black people. I hope y’all got time, because this blog is a whole novella. The women walked everywhere in heels. You can’t pay me to NOT put my heels in my bag when I ride the train. I’ll switch at my destination.
**Commercial break : bring washcloths. It’s the only thing the hotel didn’t have. The words I learned: Ouvert - Open Sortie - exit Tartar - raw ground beef Ouef- eggs Poulet- chicken Bon Soir- good evening Bonjour - hello S’il vous plait - if you please Tu es la- you are here Champignons - Mushroom Avocat - avocado Saumon - Salmon Oh, commas over periods. American = $4.50 / French = € 4,50 I’m not even about to sit here and talk about the whole ass debate I had about the word tomato. Just know that we have “tamaytoes” in America and “tomahtoes” in France. Okay? Okay. At a random ass fair across the street from the Eiffel a cashier stared at me wide-eyed trying to understand wtf a “tamayto” could possibly be. Just a few booths down lived a man with the spirit of a loyal disciple. I think about him now as I stare at the rainbow bracelet he tied around my wrist for luck. I'd have to cut It off and I'm not exactly okay with that. Before I got there people kept telling me that the French are rude. Well, that wasn’t my experience at all. They were impatient though. If they are trying to get somewhere, you better move or get bulldozed. A few did skip the line at the Eiffel tower and that turned out to be one of the highlights of my trip. It was an Indian couple that let them skip without a word. Leave it to a black man to say “nah.” Bro jumped over the bar to reclaim his place. This is why I love my people because we have a universal language. We walked past each other with a smile, a head-nod, and a wrist bump, because good fucking job. I called that moment the “homie moment.” If that isn’t funny enough, when he got to the front where there was a split, he let damn near 30+ ppl from the other side go ahead of him just to make the skippers wait. It’s the level of petty that I aspire to be. It’s so hard not to get ahead of myself, so just stick with me. I have to talk about the food. The French prepare food with a different type of love. I only gained two pounds, which I’m sure would have been more had I not walked the whole city several times. The FOOD. The omelets. The fresh baked bread. YOU MUST EAT BREAD. I’ll just let pictures do the talking for me.  
 Prepare to sit. There is no rushing in French restaurants, unless it's closing time, but even then they wont ask you to leave. They'll just let you know it's the last order. Otherwise, sit, drink eat, drink some more. They'll bring you the check and tips are not expected. Tips are seen as extremely generous. One thing I will say is what you read on the menu may not be what you expect. I ordered a salmon sandwich one day and the salmon was raw. Good thing for me is that I eat salmon either way, so I didn't freak out. Same with lemonade, which was more of a lemon spritzer. Still, no complaints. I went to do things the French way and I indulged thoroughly. I’ll use this space to give my one complaint: everyone smoked cigarettes. It makes the city smell like a full ashtray and pee, a lot like New Orleans. Breathe easy my friends and if you must indulge in a bad habit, the wine is cheap. Also, 1664 (beer). Order one, thank me later. I know a person that “stans” for it. Just thank me now for everything that I share in this blog. For example, wear tennis shoes to the Eiffel. It’s dusty as hell on the outside and on the inside it’s lots of walking unless you pay to ride the elevator. I climbed 600+ stairs and did not complain again about not being able to go to the gym. For the view at the top, it was all worth it. Even the long as line that had me there for over an hour and a half, because only one ticket booth was open. Don’t even bother paying for those tours at the Eiffel. They don’t do shit any different from what you can do for yourself. Shit was maddening and difficult for no reason. In the words of my creepy tour guide, “That’s the French way, not the hard way. Hate us, we understand.” -Henry Dude was cool until he kept trying to get a phone number, any number. Drop your lil facts, take a pic and go, sir. I’m trying to avoid sex-trafficking in this life. Don’t befriend strange, friendly men, but do bring a blanket. There is a whole ass kickback in the grass across the street from the Eiffel. People sit, laugh, talk, eat, and play music. That’s how you live and party! I want their lives. One day and I'll keep watching for the pick-pockets when it comes--signs plastered all over the Eiffel.  I saw a post on Facebook once. It was a server making fun of couples that sit on the same side of the booth at a restaurant. I’d like to say to the uncultured swine that that’s exactly what people do in Paris. The people there are so close and affectionate and it’s normal because nobody stares. NOTE: The French kiss is a real fucking thing, bro. PDA is real. So many things are normal, like dirty sneakers. I personally believe people could tell I wasn’t French because my shoes were just too clean. Don’t drink the water. Bottled or not, it’s gross. And you will have to ask for ice because they aren’t just handing it over. Most restaurants don’t even have it. One waiter said he had to go “find” some. Like where else would it be other than a freezer, sir. Speaking of servers, you will rarely see a woman work as a server. It willbalmost always be a man. Men have to pour the wine as well. I have to read up on that. I mean, I’m 100% okay with ordering a dude around, so this is not a complaint. One waiter liked to wink at me. He was hilarious. He even led me to the restroom with his arms out like he was a plane. My goofy ass followed right behind him with my arms out, too. Roll your eyes at people that stare. They’ll stop. It worked for me. Buy an international plug. Nobody supports Trump. You’ll be judged if you do. Give your cleaning lady a cool name. I called mine Matilda. I don’t have a clue why. Don’t be afraid of the language. A lot of the people there speak a bit of English. If not, Google translate is life. I had to use it at the gym. A French woman stared at me as I worked out. It was like she was upset another woman was there and could actually lift. I laughed on the inside. The men. Are funny, too. Three guys watched me do cardio and decided they weren’t working hard enough so they started to pick up the pace. One even copied me. Another one of my highlights. The Catacombs: creepy.  The Louvre: A MUST DO. If you do nothing else, please, please go to The Louvre. Shoutout to the Uber driver that gave a free history lesson and tour. I’ve never been so in awe of something in my life. The art was breathtaking. Shit, the building itself will knock the wind from your body. Pictures and videos do it absolutely no justice. Get a map and pick what you want to see because you will not get to see it all, but even as you exit you will happen upon more. Don’t forget to look up because even the ceiling is covered in unbelievable history. The shocking discovery for me was the mall underground with a Starbucks that was a luxury pastry shop. We are hella basic here.  Still, there was more. Like what could be better than century old art? I’ll tell you. An adventure for tacos that turns into smiling faces and a scooter in a sketchy alley. Don’t you just love people that are down for whatever? I do. I think I fell in love that night. A freedom to be myself can make something like that happen a million times over. A man walked by and said something in French. He got a look of confusion and the response “English.” He goes, “English? Is that a fucking a trolly?!” in an actual English accent and it made the night. More strangers appeared and it was a party. More laughs as the foreigners raved about America and Americans and our music. Very specifically, French Montana, Kendrick Lamar, and Marshall Mathers. What a night. Oh, I raced these same strangers on a scooter. I won the first time for the culture. It was my first time riding on one, too. I lived. I was almost a visitor in London, but the way the trains were set up the day turned into a marvel of the city. I saw some of the same street names that I saw in New Orleans. All I could do was stand there wide-eyed with the biggest smile. So if you made it this far and you know anything about Paris, then you know I couldn’t leave without laying my eyes on the Seine River. Just take the cruise and don’t go to the bathroom or you’ll be stuck at the bottom of the boat. I honestly didn’t care because, nigga, I was in Paris! It was more than I dreamed it to be. Paris is pleasant during the day, but it’s truly alive at night. Shoutout to music, groups of friends, lovers, the color yellow, tan jackets, people that carry your bags, conversations until five AM, river walks, dancing, PDA, random workout bikes, hair struggles, unofficial photographers, fun, Juvenile lyrics, and non-stop laughter. Just take me back so I can do one thing on the first night instead of the last. Paris felt like home. I was sad on the last night. I wasn’t ready to go. Everything about it made it a place I could always be. The sirens and the birds that whistle instead of chirping. The bell that rang at the top of every hour. The people, the food, the sites, the black people, the same freedom I feel when I’m in New Orleans, the city that raised me. Shoutout to the woman that has been telling me to keep fuckbois out of my space, constantly reminding me that I’m amazing, encouraging me to keep moving forward and pacing myself. Thank you for telling me that right now in this moment in my life, I’m making all the right decisions and doing everything right. This is life, oui. Now I know the Eiffel sparkles. So do I. PRESS PLAY THIS BLOG HAS BEEN BROUGHT TO YOU BY MR. SIR BONNIE.
Being in love is for people that can swim. And I’m not talking about in the deep blue.
Define love for yourself. Everyone has this idea of what love is supposed to look like, feel like, sound like, smell like, and maybe even taste like. Smell and taste may be more for my Taurus sisters and brothers since we’d almost always choose food over human connection. I’m thinking about what I’m going to have for dinner as I write this right now. I’m going to drag my own dirty laundry into this blog, because well, I only have my own experiences to stand by when it comes to how I see and define love. I’ve never viewed love as this complicated thing. I either feel it or I don’t. I do however believe that it changes when the word “in” is placed in front of it. I’ve loved many people, but actually being “in” it has been a rarity. You might want to check yourself and a few past connections or current ones after this, because yeah… Nobody digs around in their past more than me. I’m always evaluating and reevaluating wondering what was real, where certain traumas took place, who took what from me, and how the fuck do I get it back. My love life has been one long ass rebound. I can honestly think of ONE relationship where the connection was “pure.” I was 22, living my best life, and heartbreak free for more than a few years. I was “ready” to love. The “in” just ran up on me like a hood chick and started swinging. Love is pleasant. It’s checking on you from time-to-time, wanting the best for you and all that I care about you type shit. Infatuation is one step beneath love and it’s also fleeting, but it can damn sure feel like love. It’s I want to see you everyday, tell me all the great things about you, so I can be more infatuated, because damn… you check off everything I’ve desired on my list. Do one wrong thing though and it’s over for you, maybe. These red flags need to find something better to do, because I’m not paying attention is what infatuation represents. Being “in” love? This shit right here my nigga. THIS SHIT RIGHT HERE? I’d jump in front of a bullet and fight a dangerous animal naked with my bare hands for you. Okay, I’m going to back up, because I’m getting hype and ahead of myself. By-the-way, this blog is brought to you by this sarcastic ass, shit-talking Gemini that likes to test my gangster and my intellect. She started a cynical ass blog that she wrote with this quote. “There is something so valuable in being with yourself- In sleeping alone, avoiding conversations, only going where one knows you and never staying too long. Even and especially when you are part of a couple and or a family, being with yourself is a priority, separate rooms, separate friends, separate everything. This way the sharing you do is a welcomed choice, and is never forced. And in this space, in this bubble, you will read and plan, you will watch documentaries, take a few online courses and you will execute. You will gain confidence without pats on the back or the constant support of someone else. You will rely on yourself, and you will prove to yourself that you are capable and worthy. You will learn the difference between being by yourself and being with yourself, and you will uncover the riches of self- sufficiency. And you’ll remember that you don’t need anyone to validate your existence. You will grow comfortable with long silences. You will thrive in being unreachable. And you will create. You won’t know much of what happens outside of your bubble and that’s good. You will protect your energy from negativity, anger, envy, gossip and stagnation. Your phone will not ring and no one will be at your door. You will be free. And everyone will wonder where you went, why you don’t show your face and why you have no interest in being a monkey in their circus. It will confuse them, at first but soon they will recognize how stabilized you are in such a dizzying world. They will take note of the wisdom behind your disappearance, and the peace and happiness you have found away from the chaos of the times. Soon, they will ask you how you managed and you will be called to teach them. “ K.S. Okay, K.S., shoutout to self-love and self-care or whatever. Because this is the shit you do in order to be ready for a real relationship. This is how to keep your own mind and path. I bet K.S. ain’t singing this song when it’s time for an orgasm, unless she’s asexual or hella in love with her vibrator. You can’t avoid human connection without going completely insane. What you can do is evaluate those connections and categorize them by which ones matter most and work for your growth. I mean I get it, “I Love You” can change a life and make people feel exactly how K.S. feels, because you never truly know if it’s coming from a sincere place. People use it to get what they need from you sometimes and it can make you bitter. I’ve been on both sides of “I love you.” I choose the side that feels good and now, I just trust myself. The universe always lets me know when it’s real. I’m always getting off track. I’m just going to share her words and make her eat them line by line. “Love is universal. Love is eternal. Love exists through the eyes, the heart and the soul. Love is internal. Love is interchangeable. Love is tangible and solid.”
“Being in love: That’s something my perceptual mind hasn’t quite grasped. What would be the reason to be “in” something instead of being something. Can I be love? Loving? A lover? I’m already ‘In” a relationship with a person, why would I have to be “in” something else with them? *sighs*…The invisible pressures.”
“One does not grow up learning how to be “in” love. We grow up learning what love is, what it feels like and how to love. Love unconditionally, love without limits, love, love, love… All this talk about love but people don’t even love themselves forreal, so how am I supposed to take being “in“ love seriously? Being ‘In’ love is overrated. Unpopular opinion.”
“Being ‘In’ love takes a relationship to a false level of expectation. It creates an uncertainty, some anxiety and most of all, it creates real monsters. “Do you love me, or are you In love with me?” *eye roll* Questionable question. I already love you. What more could you want from me? I’m sharing everything with you. My time, my peace, my struggle, my food, my resources, my pain, my pleasure, my wins, my losses, the list goes on. I love you so much, that I could scream! Is that ‘In’ Love?”
“I will always have your back, I will remain loyal, I will set precedence over my actions and call it magic if you’d like. I will do anything necessary to keep you happy so why does this have to entail me being ‘in love?’ Not saying that you can’t live out your mythical fairytale but if I entail everything that you desire, why does love have to be something that is seen as a myth?”
“I could be “in” love but what does that mean?”
I “believe in synchronicity or serendipity. No tales. No fairies. No false hopes. I will love you with every drop of my blood. I will love you beyond immeasurable standards. I will desire every part of your being every day that I wake up. I will never run out of love to give but one can run out on me and tell me that they have no more love to give.” “but I thought you were “in” love with me.” I asked.
“The fire gone out, it was a flickering flame and all that we were left with was ourselves, in this room, face-to-face, at war with open wounds. What a way to use a word to defend an action, & ending a moral satisfaction. Be surprised if you will, but that in love shit was a blanket over a window, you might as well swallow a pill. Love is forgiveness. Being “In” love may create limits. It could cause an addiction. Why haven’t I been in love? Because every time I’ve loved, I’ve loved with entirety. I’ve loved with intent. I’ve loved to the fullest. I loved with no regret. I’ve loved with passion. I’ve loved with the deepest parts of me and all of me you get. My love doesn’t come with stipulations; you get all this love with no complications. (sort of) That’s why I feel the love I give is real because it comes with all the things that make you feel, all the emotions, all of the actions, all of this satisfaction. This is the silver lining in the sky. This is a rainbow at night.
THAT LOVE HIT DIFFERENT WHEN YOUR ENERGY IS MATCHED. BE ALL IN OR BE OUT. In conclusion, being in love is for the people that can what? So, sink or swim, you choose. You can even decide what you can handle: river, lake, pond, or ocean. This cynic in particular has clearly been dealing with women that enjoy the shallow. Ol' wade in the water ass love. I choose oceans every time. I never wanted kids. I’ve said this since I was a kid myself. I don’t see where they would fit into my life, but I have entertained the idea more than once. Not because it was something I wanted, but because a time or two I’ve crossed a person I would possibly want to share a kid with. With those hypothetical scenarios came names. I’ve had lots of names.
How do you name someone you’ve never met? We don’t do it to dogs. We look at them, we wait for their personality then we name them. I was born Christiana Leita Williams. My mother is queen petty. She gave me her maiden name Williams because my dad couldn’t make it to the hospital for my birth due to work. He’s a hardworking man. He was livid when he learned this. The second he got a chance, he went down to the courthouse to get my name changed to Christiana Leita Harrell. The person that I would remain most of my life, in well, scholastic and professional spaces. In my lax life, I’d always be someone else. My first name was supposed to be Norma Daleneisha Harrell. Thank God for mamas. But I’m not too keen on defending her. Even though she named me Christiana, she’s allowed everyone under the sun to call me Christina. I think she never corrected anyone because it’s what she wanted to name me until my aunt gave her the extra vowel to make me “unique.” I wouldn’t correct it when I was younger, but as an adult, I will straight up lash out or give you silent treatment. My dad called me “skinny,” because well, that’s what I was and in comparison to my four siblings, I’m the runt if the litter. My family calls me Tina. They refuse to give me my “A.” My grandmother used to call me Chrissy. My great aunt called me Teeny. I think I’d cry if anyone else ever does. She’s my angel now. This one is too heavy to get into and I’m trying to finish this blog. I gave myself the name Teety because I loved tweety bird growing up and wanted something close but not exact. Priss was my name when I was wild and hanging with a gang of girls that liked to party. The vicious girls. Oh, to be young again. My baby sister, the only one I talk to, calls me Tee. Then there is Chris. Co-workers that I had at The Children’s place saw me as one of the guys but still a girl, so Chris I am. My aggressive side is pleased with this. None of this is why I wrote this blog. I got married back in 2014 and took on Christiana Parrish. Since leaving my ex, I’ve gone back and forth about going back to my maiden name, but I woke up this morning and realized Christiana Parrish is who I am now. I asked myself why I wanted to change it anyway? Because of who I got it from? Anything can be reinvented. And might I add that when I decided to be Christiana Parrish, a wife, I rocked that fucking role. I took it head on and I fucking killed it. If I ever want to be a wife again, my partner better come with it because my resume is hella impressive. Faithful? Too easy. Honest? I got that. Temptation? Don’t even know what that is. Supportive? I’m the motherfucking MVP. I can sit here all day talking shit about amazing I am. I mean, I have my flaws, but nothing that could destroy a heart. I don’t try to do that. So again, I asked myself why I wanted to change. To please people I come into contact with romantically? For what? I have a history and my name is a part of it. I don’t have to explain that. If I’m being my happy, single self freely, then I owe nothing to nobody, but myself. I don’t have anything to hide. Christiana Harrell was and still is an author, sister, friend, and daughter. It’s Christiana Parrish that has thrived beyond who I thought Christiana Harrell could be. If my “person” wants to have a sit down over beverages and tears to hear my long story, I’ll be down. Because in being this free, I’m learning what I truly want and that means needing someone who will give me grace and honor a choice I made once upon a time. A choice that taught me more than anything I’ve ever read in a book; and I love books. August 9th 2014. The judge said to me sign the name of who you will become. Now that day is a day of reflection for me. Beverages and tears. I earned my name. I always say that marriage made me a woman. I thought I was a woman before, but I wasn’t. Living and existing aren’t the same thing. I was existing, just paying bills and watching Netflix in my lonely world. I was still happy, but there is always more to be done. The challenges that I faced would have never come had I not been a wife. I met my rock bottom in marriage and after. It showed me what I was truly made of. I lost myself then found myself again through only myself. I’m living now. I belong to nothing and no one. Traveling isn’t just a conversation anymore. Everything that I desire is in my reach and all I have to do is go get it. All I have to do is say yes. Before, love was my guide, but not in the right way. I loved other people and used so much of my energy trying to help them be the best versions of themselves. I’m done with that. I’m not waiting on anyone. I'm not compromising. I’m not sacrificing. I’m living for me and loving me harder than I ever have in my life. That means embracing all parts of myself without regret or shame. Christiana Parrish. People have this ridiculous idea that they are supposed to feel like the first and last. That’s unrealistic and it made me see why a lot of my romantic situations have failed. I’ve only met one person who saw me in my fullness. Others only take the parts of me that work for them, ignoring the parts of me that might not be for them. This part of me not for some people. Oh well... If I’m meant to have another name one day, I welcome it. I’m ready to meet her and introduce her to all the other pieces (names) that have made me whole. Shout out to my Mom, the woman that carries her names like badges of honor. Her story? Love and love again. It’s never too late. Tammy Lee Williams-Harrell-Daniels-(Davis)-Robinson-Mauldin. |
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